Hello Ladies, this one's for you... just a few of you. The rest of you know better.
Whenever I'm considering meeting someone new, sometimes the offer of a reference comes up. This is permission for me to contact someone else, another woman, and inquire about their experience with the person I'm thinking about seeing. I will write a simple note letting them know that a gentleman has given me their contact information for a reference. I'll say something like "Please let me know if you think _____ and I would be compatible. Any information you can share is always appreciated and of course confidential. I look forward to hearing your thoughts." I always appreciate their honesty. Sometimes they tell me things that have helped me to decide not to see someone.
I receive these kinds of notes from other women too and I always respond pointing out the positives like "he's great, a favorite - have fun!" Rarely I'll want to let them know about something I wished I had known beforehand because it would have been a factor in making my decision like; "he's perfectly safe and fun to be with but he was late a few times or didn't show up for our appointment once, or he's cancelled at the last minute before, sometimes he haggles over costs, he pushed my boundaries and I stayed firm - he was fine with it", etc. Sometimes it just a little thing like bad breath so they'll know to offer a toothbrush, mint or gum beforehand. I'll mention these things if that was my experience.
What I expect is that the information I've shared will stay between me and the other woman and not be shared with the gentleman. At least not specifically in a "she said... is that true?" sort of way. Not because the gentleman doesn't deserve to know or wouldn't benefit from knowing, but because I think there's always that guy out there who could be offended in some way and use this information against the woman who shared it. He could decide that it was out of line and wants to retaliate in some way. It could have detrimental consequences for her and that's not okay. I never know which guy that is or what's going to set him off so I always try to err on the side of caution - better safe than sorry.
I know these kinds of comments could get back to the person I wouldn't want to offend so I'm careful in how I phrase them. I weigh the risk against my reputation - with my established friends, potential new ones and with other women. I want them to feel comfortable using me as a reference and as a source of honest feedback. I realize that we all have our personal experiences that are not necessarily translated from one encounter to the next - that's not what I'm talking about here. So if there's information shared between me and another woman that he could potentially feel defensive about - use your better judgement and do not repeat it to him! Use the information for your benefit. Be clever in how you take advantage of the information. Do or say whatever you like around the subject, collect a deposit if you want to protect yourself from a late or no show and make sure he's familiar with your preferences. If you decide to go ahead and see him, you'll feel prepared for whatever might come up in your meeting. Maybe you can have some products available for him to freshen up beforehand, if necessary, but do not repeat to him what someone else has shared with you in confidence... and it's all shared in confidence.
Unfortunately, this has come up for me twice in just the past few weeks. It's not a lot and thankfully hasn't had any negative backlash for me but I worry about it. I worry that sometimes people let their impulses get ahead of their thinking. They get upset and want to "teach him a lesson..." or call him out on his bad behavior, letting him know that they're on to his tricks and won't be fooled. All fine and dandy... except he has resources and outlets for his upset too - in message boards, review sites, blogs, twitter, any grape vine out there. He can say whatever he wants, wherever he wants, true or not and "bam!" now she's the bad guy and she has a reputation problem. It's exactly what we're trying to stay away from.
So here's my request: How about you don't give him the information in the first place? It isn't worth it. You're probably not going to have the effect you're hoping for anyway. Don't fool yourself into thinking that you will. You're not going to teach him anything but you might just piss him off so keep the information to yourself and use it to your advantage. Be thankful for it. Start with the end result in mind and don't let your upset drive you down a path that you're not absolutely sure where it ends up. If you don't want to pursue a meeting with him, tell him you're busy - tell him you don't think you'll be compatible - both of which don't carry any negative backlash, but don't ever tell him it was something you heard from his references. He'll just stop using them so the information won't get shared in the future and that won't help any of us.
Play smart, be safe, and think before you act. Don't do anything that potentially puts someone else at risk.
And remember, when given the choice between being right or being kind, always choose to be kind and you will be always be right.
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