When I'm having a rough day I say I'm in a "funk". That's when everything and nothing seems to bother me. I'm sad, I'm pissed off, I'm disappointed and frustrated. I'm feeling helpless and sorry for myself. I'm over-extended, under-appreciated, and unable to be who I know myself to be, who I want to be. I'm sorting through the crap. Going through the motions - caring and not caring at the same time. Looking at what I can fix, what can be left alone and where I can be effective. Bumping up against resistance alone and with the world. I'm "in it" as I write this.
I ask myself what I want and I'm not sure. It's stupid. I see people sleeping in their cars outside. I watch the news and am horrified at the difficulty others are surviving. I know things aren't that bad, my problems are completely manageable, which makes me feel worse for letting some of these things get in the way of me feeling my best. I know I'm okay - I'll always be okay.
What I want is to fix the parts that feel broken. I'm comfortable in my routine of being at ease, feeling balanced. Not like life is easy, but I've managed to build a pretty laid back, comfortable lifestyle for myself. I wouldn't trade my problems for anyone else's, this I know for sure. I do sometimes have this unrealistic expectation, though, that I should be able to find all of the answers all of the time and some days I struggle with where to even look.
I think about what the answers are and what they aren't. Like, is money what's standing in the way of some of this stuff? Certainly, but not everything. Do I just need a good cry? Perhaps. I try it on just in case.
I remind myself that some of this stuff is just out of my control and there's only changing my attitude about it. The phrase "That which I resist, persists" comes to mind. I try to shift to acceptance, like really letting go of whatever my expectations look like. It's not easy. I'm really tough - on everyone, especially myself.
Someone once asked me if I could stop doing something, what would it be? Like there's something that we all do that we'd like to stop, but can't. I was annoyed at the question, which is pretty telling in itself, but I gave it some thought anyway. I had a hard time putting my finger on it but I wished I could stop judging - everything all the time. It's impossible. We all do it. It's natural, but it can be adjusted when I catch myself. While I don't think it's possible to stop, I do wish I could do more of the catching and adjusting. I appreciate my ability to see things differently than my first thought. It's a process, an evolution. And sometimes I'm in a funk while I do it.
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I wrote this a few days ago. I'm on the other side now. It took me a day to get through it - all day. I struggled with whether to publish this piece as part of my blog or keep it to myself. It's feels so personal but also worth sharing. The writing helped me to see things that were swirling around in my head that I otherwise would have stayed stuck in, sorting through, over and over. I was fighting and resisting but not making any progress. The issue on this day, and recurring from time to time, is dealing with a loved one who suffers with depression.
When I was through, I was emotionally exhausted. Then a calm settled in, a detachment from the anger almost as if it had never been there in the first place. Looking back, there was no answer I couldn't find, no blame to lay - I was just stuck. It was in shifting my thinking, expanding my perception that helped me to see things differently than my first thought. That was my breakthrough.
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