Logic and Bullshit

I recently started one of those low carb, high protein diets intended to reset my metabolism so that I would not just lose a little weight, but be able to maintain it. I thought things were going pretty well until I was informed by the doctor and nurse that in fact I wasn't losing fast enough. I was stalling too much. I made the recommended adjustments to my regimen and was back on track. Then I stalled again. New recommendations were made and I followed them. There was more progress but now I'm stalled again. I told them this time I had the unusual experience of feeling especially hormonal. "I'm crying at the drop of a hat the past few days, I hate everyone and everything. This isn't like me at all. I have a headache, I'm shaky and irritable." To which, when pressed, I got this response; "It's okay. It sounds like you probably have a lot of emotions that you haven't dealt with that are coming up for you. Just journal, read the materials again and know that this is hard. I think you'll find that you'll have some great insights if your ego will allow you to see them and if you stop trying to sabotage yourself."

I'm sorry, my ego? Stop sabotaging myself? What were they talking about? Their insight into what they thought was going on didn't make any sense to me at all. I wondered if I was on hormonal overload this week, or maybe there was some other physiological phenomenon going on here. "Definitely not physiological," I was told "it's just emotional stuff coming up. It's your ego trying to sabotage you." I looked for something that might fit into this to journal about. I couldn't find anything. The suggestion to "keep looking, just journal some more..." was becoming more and more infuriating. I told them I just wanted relief. I wasn't asking to cheat on the diet, I just didn't want to feel this way, it wasn't natural for me. Their response was just to ride it out and they didn't know how long it would last, likely until I addressed whatever deep seeded issues I had and there's no telling when I'll learn my lessons.

Bullshit. That's what I thought. I could hear a little voice in my head saying "Well that's ridiculous, I've never heard of such a thing." I realize I don't know everything and that I don't know what I don't know but this...this just felt wrong. I consider myself a pretty smart and resourceful person. Probably the most resourceful person I know. Let's see if there's anything to this theory of theirs. I'll just Google some key words and see what shows up. I Googled HCG and irritability, weight loss and diet and irritability and low carb and irritability. There were studies galore documenting this very issue conducted by reputable sources like MIT and the Mayo Clinic, and yes it was common and yes there is relief. Why couldn't they have shared this information with me? Why did they make something so simple into something hard? Between bouts of tears and feeling irrational rage at the most stupid triggers, I read for a couple of days about the physiological changes that were occurring in my body at this stage of the diet. It made perfect sense. I reported my findings to the doctor and his nurse. They said they will research this information and get back to me.

Research this information? This seems like pretty basic information to know as a professional diet doctor and nurse. Their credibility jumped from my "cautiously trusted advisors" to "quack" status - (snaps fingers) just like that. What is is about people in positions of authority that lets them think that it's not only okay for them to bullshit people, but that their brand of bullshit can defy logic? When they finally got back to me, days later, I was told that this information was outdated and that I could believe whatever I wanted, if that made me feel better but that they would respectfully agree to disagree. Wow. The information I sent was from 2008 but referenced a previous study from the 70's that it supported, but okay - they'd rather believe that I was emotionally disturbed than consider another logical probability. They were really steeped in this bullshit!

I'm naturally logical and drawn to information and learning. I'm not saying that we all don't have our "issues" and "lessons" to learn, we do. I'm saying that I think mine are pretty much on track at this point and my ego is right where I think it should be. I'm a work in progress, like everyone else, but I wasn't linking diet and self realization together they way they were in my case. I chuckled to myself that perhaps the ego that needed looking at here wasn't mine, but theirs.

It turns out the problem with these kinds of diets is that seratonin levels get interrupted and are easily put back into balance with the right supplements. There are temporary replacements for this deficiency that is no longer coming through in specific diets. Whew, what a relief! I tried a little tweeking of vitamins and minerals, some herbs and voila! I'm feeling much better. Like my old self again.

The regimen is short, just 40 days. I'll stick with it and at the rate I'm going, I'm happy with my results. I am reminded again by this experience that nobody knows me better than I know myself and that if it there's advice I'm considering that doesn't make sense or work for me, I should keep looking. I trust my instincts. Bullshit is everywhere. It's not always easy to find the truth but it's definitely worth looking for and when I find it, I just know. It "feels" right, bullshit feels wrong.

Music for Driving through the Desert

I don't like flying. I'm not afraid, I just find it to be inconvenient and unpleasant, so I drive when I can. I enjoy driving to Las Vegas, it's soothing for me and I enjoy the time spent in the car listening to music and daydreaming. I like being on my own schedule, packing whatever I like, using my electronics whenever I want, and on the way I stop at The Mad Greek in Baker for lunch, yummm.

I make a playlist. I like to think of it as a soundtrack for my trip. This is the one I made for the drive last week. I'm still enjoying it... loving the mixture of old with new.

Don't Sit Down 'Cause I've Moved Your Chair   Arctic Monkeys  

Heaven Beside You    Alice In Chains             

Show Me How To Live     Audioslave 
Blunderbuss    Jack White   

I know - I'm Losing You    Rod Stewart 

Every picture tells a story    Rod Stewart
Missing Pieces  Jack White    

Let's Spend the Night Together   Rolling Stones   

Every Picture Tells a Story        Rod Stewart   
Jealous Again    The Black Crowes         

Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground   The White Stripes   
My Only Love  Roxy Music   
Set Fire To The Rain  Adele   
Lucky       Kat Edmonson   
Rocks       Primal Scream   
19th Nervous Breakdown     Rolling Stones  
99 Problems     Hugo      
Wild Horses    The Sundays   
Hypocritical Kiss     Jack White  
This Head I Hold    Electric Guest   
Bright Lights    Gary Clark Jr.   
Rumour Has It     Adele    

Things Ain't Like They Used To Be      The Black Keys   
You Don't Know What Love Is (You Just Do As You're Told)    The White Stripes   
Jealous Guy     John Lennon    

Misty Mountain Hop      Led Zeppelin        

Pretty Noose     Soundgarden   
Dear Prudence       The Beatles   
Prophecy      Remy Zero   
burden in my hand        Soundgarden   
I Put A Spell On You    Bryan Ferry    

Yellow Ledbetter        Pearl Jam   
Hang On To Yourself      David Bowie   
Lonely Boy       The Black Keys    

Sunshower       Chris Cornell   
Gold On The Ceiling        The Black Keys   
Howlin' for You    The Black Keys   
I Can't Explain        David Bowie    

Son of a Preacher Man       Dusty Springfield    

Still Rainin'     Johnny Lang   
Radioactive      Kings Of Leon   
Strange Times    The Black Keys   
Could I've Been so Blind     The Black Crowes   
While My Guitar Gently Weeps       The Beatles 
Thorn In My Pride     The Black Crowes   
Under My Thumb       Rolling Stones   
Ain't That So       Roxy Music   
All the Young Dudes     Mott the Hoople   
Fans      Kings of Leon   
Tighten Up        The Black Keys   
Be Somebody       Kings Of Leon    

Ruby Tuesday        Rolling Stones  
Win        David Bowie   
Somebody Up There Likes Me        David Bowie   
The Man Who Sold The World        David Bowie  

Thankful

Last year at this time I was reminded of how judgmental we are of each other. It was a chaotic time and there was a lot of family drama going on. It brought me around to examining what family values are for myself and trying to understand what they are for others in my family.

This year I'm taking a step back. I'm paring down and keeping things simple by celebrating the holiday at home, with very few instead of the many. I love my big family and I'm thankful that we live close to each other and visit often. I've decided that I really don't have to spend this holiday with all of them like I have every year. Maybe next year I'll feel differently, but for now I'm thankful to unplug a little and spend this year without all the pressure and chaos that Thanksgiving with my family usually brings. I'm excited to cook the things we love, just the way we like them, and none of the things we don't. I'm glad that I won't be packing things up in the car trying to keep them hot or cold, protecting them from spilling, squishing or falling. I'm looking forward to relaxing with the dog instead of leaving her behind, catching up with Netflix and Tivo and cooking at a leisurely pace. I like the idea of staying in my PJ's all day if I want to, grazing throughout the day instead of loading up all at once. I am relieved not to have to worry about navigating through drunk drivers on the road or sitting in traffic, looking for someplace to make a pit stop because we've been in the car for too long. I'm grateful not to have to make obligatory small talk with the awkward, pretending there's a meaningful connection when I'm really shaking my head on the inside, looking for an escape. But mostly I'm counting on taking this time to recharge myself and reflect on all that is meaningful for me.

And as for the family values that I cherish the most; I value the freedom we all have to do whatever we want and the privilege of making the choices that make us happy.

I know my family and I will have a wonderful Thanksgiving, we always do, and that we will miss each other a little, it's okay. I'll look forward to seeing the pictures and hearing the stories and maybe, just maybe, we'll appreciate that we each created our own happiness and for that I'm thankful.

Jury Duty

I got a summons for jury duty in the mail. A lot of people get them and think "Awwww, sh*t! How can I get outta this?" My first reaction is "Oh, look - here's an opportunity to make a difference. I hope I can make room in my schedule."

Attitude is everything.

Each time I've served I've grumbled silently about having to be on such a strict schedule. Getting up early and driving to the courthouse just reminds me of the few times I've challenged a traffic violation and crossed my fingers that the officer who cited me wouldn't show up, but he did. I'm thinking about the depressing and dangerous, the abuse of power and corruption. There are a lot of unpleasant things going on in courthouses and the waiting around is exhausting and boring to be sure, but in the bigger scheme of things I think it's a privilege to serve, and to serve objectively, honestly and respectfully.

I've been selected and placed on juries. I've been the Foreman or the Alternate on occasion. It's a commitment to being an integral part of the justice system that has me feeling the serious weight of the responsibility and the absolute respect for the privilege to serve, not because the system is perfect, but because it's what we've got and it should work for most of the people most of the time. That makes being a part of it worthwhile.

I'm fascinated by the process. I'm fascinated by what is said, and what isn't said, what happens and what doesn't happen. There is so much going on and it's interesting to watch it all unfold.

I'm a people watcher and behavior observer. I do it because it's entertaining but really it's how I've learned to understand people. Observing people in a jury room is like the Olympics of people watching - a veritable goldmine! Every potential juror is a registered voter. That's it. That's how they were chosen, the reason they got a jury summons - they vote. Well, they can if they want to, and that's a whole other story...

Being surrounded by people who don't have anything else in common offers such diversity. Airports are good for this reason too. I imagine all sorts of things about people; where they're from, who they spend their time with, what they think, what they intended their style to say about them, if they have pets, what their bathroom looked like when they left the house that morning, who they're talking to on the phone, what kind of underwear they're wearing, does the carpet match the drapes? The possibilities for amusement are endless.

And I never know who I might meet. It can be fun to exchange a little conversation with someone I otherwise might not have an opportunity to meet. I know a couple that met in the jury room and fell in love. Now that would have been fun to watch come together!

Inside the courtroom I'm paying close attention to how everyone postures themselves, how they relate to each other, their tone of voice, and I'm weighing the information and following directions as instructed by the judge. I'm acutely aware of what and how much is at stake for those involved. I go through the process and am satisfied that I participated in something meaningful.

Sure, I'm still wondering where was the craziest place everyone ever had sex, but I'm not distracted by it.

We Taught Them...

When dealing with difficult people, I always remember that "we teach people how to treat us." Yeah, that's right. We taught them that whatever it is they're doing is either working or it's okay with us. We did it in what was said, and what wasn't said; what we did, and what we didn't do. They learned it from us.

We all have choices. We chose something before when we put the other person into our path and we can choose something else now. I try not to make them wrong, for anything. There is just what works and what doesn't. Maybe it worked before and now it doesn't. It's empowering for me. I'm taking responsibility for being wherever I am at all times and for where I'll be next. There is no victim, no winner or loser, no right or wrong, good or bad, black or white. Just incompatibility.

It can be heartbreaking when it's someone especially close to us. Here's what I tell myself; I just made some choices in the past and now I have some new choices to make. It's easy to get caught up in the blaming in my head..."what about all the mean things they did to me?" well... I allowed it. There's my power. I own it, embrace it, wrap my head around it and if it doesn't work anymore, I choose something else.

Girls, Girls, Girls

Lately I've heard from a handful of women who have reached out to explore a possible professional meeting with me. While it isn't something I look for, or anything I've ever tried, it doesn't mean I would rule it out completely. Sure, I've fantasized a time or two (hundred), but that's as far as it's gotten. That's not what this particular story is about, though.

In the cases of these contacts, I find myself really interested in hanging out with them... like as girlfriends. I want to meet them for a glass of wine at the end of the day - or for a great lunch somewhere women like to go - a charming outdoor cafe, a chic hotel restaurant, or wherever delicious food meets interesting people watching... you get the idea. And thankfully, I have met some of them.

One of them once for coffee. I found myself wanting to stay longer chatting and laughing with her, or making plans to meet again sometime, maybe we could have met for a manicure or checked out a movie sometime or walked through the Pasadena Showcase House for Design. Since I didn't hear back, I'm not sure she felt as comfortable as I did.

Once when I was traveling, another advertiser who advertises with the same site as I do contacted me to ask if I needed anything while I was in town - suggestions for places to go or things to do. I thought it was so sweet of her. She said how she didn't want me to think she was weird or anything, and she mentioned that we had a mutual friend. She said she felt a little awkward reaching out, but I thought it was so thoughtful. I truly appreciated it. I met her for a bite while I was in town and we've kept in touch a little here and there. In fact, it was her blog that inspired mine. I was so impressed with how interesting hers was - lots of different topics and all of her opinions original and articulate, so well written. I'm glad we had a chance to meet.

So here I am, making plans to do some traveling of my own and I'm not sure I'm brave enough to do the same kind of reaching out that she did. I don't know if I have mutual friends with other advertisers but sometimes I scroll through the ads looking for people I think I might enjoy meeting - as a girlfriend, who likely has similar experiences and interests. It would be nice to know other women both at home and in other cities that I could catch up with from time to time.

Last year I met with a woman who thought I'd make a good companion for "doubles" with her. While I wasn't interested in doing doubles, we did get to emailing back and forth, then had a lunch and it turned out to be something really interesting for both of us. I learned a lot more about her side of the business (fetish) and she learned more about mine - that is doing what makes sense for you, creating your own style and not following anyone else's model. She too wrote beautifully and I was very inspired by her storytelling.

A few years ago I met a couple of women that I like to stay in touch with. We met through one of those "Meet and Greet" parties that a local discussion board was putting on. Meeting the women there and learning from them, staying in touch with them, was more valuable to me than any potential clients I could hope to meet. I don't go to the parties anymore, but I would like to be able to meet women that I might become friends with somehow - I'm just not sure how.

I'd even like to stay in touch with that woman who wrote to me so upset back at Christmas time. I like to think that if she knew me, she'd probably like me, but mostly I'd just like to catch up with her and hear how things are going for her. I really do hope things are getting better.

Currently I'm emailing with a woman who contacted me through my site and I feel like we're becoming friends. It would be great to meet sometime, we'll see how it goes. So far I know we both like comparing travel notes! And I think it's interesting that she had considered what I call my "moonlighting" experience for herself at one time.

It can be awkward...I feel awkward about it sometimes. Last Summer I went to a concert with a girlfriend I met through the Meet and Greet party. My brother and sister were at the same concert and we all got together for drinks afterwards. I introduced my friend without explanation - but I was a little worried they'd ask "where did you meet her?" They didn't, but what if? We had talked about it beforehand, just in case, so I was prepared.

So I guess my point is just this; if you're a woman and you think we might be compatible as friends, drop me a note and let me know. Chances are I'll probably want to meet you sometime, if that's okay with you, and who knows? Maybe we'll just stay in touch, hang out from time to time and share some stories. I'd like that.

Sex and Obama's Re-Election

Abortion and birth control are being debated still, really? Didn't we progress through this a long time ago? Yes, but it's time to tip the scales for Obama's re-election.

In taking a look at the statistics, like an independent thinker should, it's quite popular to be in favor of birth control and if we learned anything from the Komen/Planned Parenthood debacle, it's that most Americans support women's health and their freedom to choose regardless of who is opposing, and not by any small margin - it's overwhelming. It's a safe debate for those who support birth control and womens' health - they can't lose. They can afford to stand firm.

The health insurance debate over requiring insurance providers to cover birth control for women is now the hot topic between religious leaders and politicians - and it's deliberate. "Genius", I say, and quite opportunistic - in a good way.

This debate goes a long way in doing a number of things in favor of re-electing the President in the upcoming election and here's how:

While Americans may not understand all of the issues and may only be able to personally relate to some of them, they can all understand and relate to sex and it's important to them. There are plenty of other issues, most are complicated, sex is simple. It gives those who were on the fence about how to vote this upcoming election a clearer platform to base their decision on. Most have a definite opinion on the matter. Those who would like the government and the churches to make their reproductive choices for them can vote for any of the Republican candidates and those who don't, won't. It's that simple. If you didn't know where you stood before, you do now. Since most would like to have a say in their reproductive health, regardless of what their religion teaches, this issue creates a solid majority that can agree on something.

As a bonus, it puts the spotlight on Romney, the one possible obstacle to a re-election, casting doubt on his "conservative" values for the provisions for women that were in his MA health care plan including abortion coverage. Is he just saying what he thinks people want to hear or has he really changed his position? Anything that raises questions on their values and record is good for the other side. Even better if it's the truth.

The reversal of Komen's decision, coupled with the public's demand for and Komen's acceptance of Karen Handel's resignation, was a direct result of the public's reaction to decisions being driven by religious minorities... and politicians and Americans were paying attention, thankfully. Hopefully the GOP will re-think where it stands on the issues for 2016, because it's probably too late for 2012.