A letter from your wife or girlfriend...

I received an email from an angry wife (or girlfriend, I'm not sure which she is) on Christmas Eve, trying to God shame me for being, what she perceived to be, a "serpent" in a "God loving woman's" disguise. She went on to attack my integrity, intelligence and character, outlined explicitly what she thought I did for a living and then she took a giant leap to the conclusion that I question the choices I make everyday and lose sleep over it.

So many thoughts went through my mind as I read this. I have never responded to any of the few (literally, 2 or 3) emails I've ever received from a friend's significant other. Not because I don't have anything to say to them, I have plenty. Mostly I don't respond because I figure nothing good will come out of it, so why bother? I'm sure I'm not going to convince them of anything. I won't be changing their minds or helping their situation in any way by responding. He's been caught and likely he knows about it and is dealing with it, as he should. It's none of my business. I don't respond out of respect for my clients, my friends, who I think would appreciate my staying out of their personal lives completely and I agree.

This time I read something different in her note and I saw an opportunity to say something in my defense because I didn't agree with her assessment of who I am or what I represent on my website that she had mentioned she looked at, and my blog she said she had read. She sort of was paying me a back handed compliment in saying that my website and blog portrayed a woman who was appealing with beauty, brains and sensitivity, but that it was all somehow incompatible with being paid for services. Her disgust and shame for the business side of things had her making all kinds of false assumptions. She didn't see that someone could put both of these dynamics together. She was attacking me personally and this wasn't about "stay away from my man", this was her passing judgement on me, someone she didn't know, and I wanted her to have a better idea of not only who I really am, who she was talking to, but I was hopeful that underneath her obvious pain, and on this holiday eve, perhaps I could be of help to her in some way. I think that the God references were what really put me over the edge. I wanted to be clear that I did not represent myself as the "God loving woman" she thought I did, as someone who connected themselves to the Bible and Christianity - I didn't know where that came from and it bugged me. That needed to be cleared up.

I responded to her letting her know that I appreciated her attention to my site, but that I disagreed with her assessment and let her know that she didn't really know what the fuck she was talking about. Okay, a little harsh, but I was tired when I wrote it.

There were a few more emails back and forth. We both said what was on our mind. She let me know what a horrible person she thought I was and threatened me with legal action. She asked me not to respond. But she also asked questions...in between the lines she was wanting information. Questions about moving forward from here for her in her relationship that I thought deserved an answer. So I wrote back...it was Christmas Day. It was bothering me that this was bothering her and taking her away from enjoying her family on this holiday. I wanted to let her know that I was no threat to her relationship, that I never was. That her anger and upset were misdirected and that she should be working on her relationship with her husband, the person she had expectations of and an agreement with, not me. She wrote back something about keeping my dime store psychology to myself with a couple of expletives thrown in.

I let her know that I was hopeful that by writing to her she might take the opportunity to ask questions and get answers in a respectful conversation with me. That perhaps I could shed some light for her, if she truly wanted to better understand. I told her that I understood that she was angry and hurt and that I now realized that attacking me was apparently all she really wanted - to unload. I get it. I addressed the likely outcome for him, his employer, his family, his children and her if she were to pursue legal action so that she could hopefully see the whole picture and the reality of how that wasn't going to have the affect she was hoping for. I closed by saying that I would not be responding again and that I wished her the best and I meant it.

The next day I received another letter from her. I wasn't looking forward to opening it up because they had all been so unpleasant and closed minded. She really had been blaming me for breaking up her family and ruining the lives of many, not just hers. I contemplated deleting it without reading it at all. But then I thought, what the hell? I'll just open in up and skim through it before I delete it. It was clear to me thus far that nothing I was saying to her was getting through and I felt a little defeated. I really did have good intentions that I could be of some sort of help to her, ease her mind a little. Just woman to woman, reaching out, helping her to help herself in a purely respectful, empathetic way.

I carefully open that last email. I began reading what was a completely honest, totally respectful, and a genuinely heartfelt letter. She admitted she was not really going to pursue legal action, that she understood from a cognitive place what the relationship is between husbands and affairs like these and that she didn't want to hurt anyone, she was the one hurting. She said she had known for a long time and been "living with it", trying to deal with it, that there were many, not just me, and she admitted it was not my fault. She also went on to say that she was really intrigued by how elaborate some of the websites are for some of the girls and that she had a fine holiday with her family after all. She was concerned for her health and she asked why? What was she doing or not doing to make him seek other women? Whew!

This was a breakthrough - for both of us. I wondered if this had ever happened before anywhere else but in TV dramas or fictional writings? Surely it must have... I wrote back a final note, thanking her and letting her know that speaking for myself, I had just recently been tested for everything under the sun and everything was all clear. I went on to talk about how careful most are and how professional, level-headed and business minded I found most of the women to be. I told her that while I wasn't exactly sure who we were talking about, I offered my two cents worth of philosophy on why some men see other women secretly and pay for it. I offered her some suggested reading material that I thought might be helpful in understanding not only how men and women find relationships like this to make sense for them, but also information for herself to use as she likes - to better understand how men think and to empower herself to get whatever it is that she wants for herself. It was reading that had been helpful to me and I hoped she might find something useful for herself.

I know I have choices. I make them everyday after carefully considering all of the information available to me. I usually don't question them after I make them, but if I do, I make sure there's room for me to be flexible in them. Like, if a choice I made no longer works for me, I choose something else. I don't lose any sleep over it.

My heart goes out to women who feel powerless, are struggling or hurting. I want them to know that they have choices too, that there may be some information out there that they hadn't considered, and that they can create whatever it is that they imagine to be possible for themselves. I believe that.

Whether I hear from her or not again isn't up to me. My hope is that I was able to, in some way, be of help to someone. That two women - two unlikely strangers - were able to reach out to each other and share themselves. That they are now both better able to understand each other and can talk about the things that they've been conditioned to believe divided them. It was just one conversation with just two women...imagine, if we could all just talk peacefully, respectfully and openly with each other.

Christmas Perspective

It's almost Christmas and I'm hyper aware of all the stress people have around me. I want to share with them how unimportant some of the stress triggers really are to the people who love them.

I understand wanting to be generous and gift the things they think will make their loved ones happy and I understand that for some of us, it's a blow to our self image and ego to have been able to do so much Christmases past but less this year. It's nice to be able to wrap something up that is thoughtful and appreciated. I get it. But it's not as important as they think and it's probably not expected of them by anyone else but themselves. It's a lot of unnecessary pressure to put on ourselves.

I'm trying to remember what I got last year and the year before. I can remember some, but not all and while I appreciated it all, what I remember most - what I remember fondly - is the time I spent with the people I love and the laughter we shared. I am reminded how thankful I am that we didn't lose anyone close to us, that we all have our health and each other. That anything is still possible for all of us and that we all have everything we need and most of what we want.

I'll be happy to just have everyone home for breakfast together on Christmas morning. The dog begging for bacon, some Irish Coffee to share and maybe a movie followed by an afternoon nap before visiting family later in the evening. I wouldn't miss the wrapping paper and boxes with tissue messes to clean up, the credit card bills next month or the inconvenience of having to return things that didn't fit or weren't quite right. I'd feel better knowing that they didn't spend money they couldn't afford on wrapping something up out of obligation or for fear of looking bad. I want them to know that I wouldn't love them any less. Their health and happiness is all I really want for Christmas and all throughout the year.

This isn't the last Christmas - it's just one Christmas. I don't feel pressured to meet any unreasonable expectation of myself or that I think someone else may have of me. I want to enjoy the season, the beautiful decorations, the gatherings of friends and loved ones and the hope we share for the New Year. I wish I could wrap up that kind of peace. I'd give it to everyone.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Too Quick to Judge?

This week the conversation in my head has been about judgement and how quick we are to judge others without first seeking to understand. How unskilled we are at discussing sensitive issues with each other. How we become defensive and can't really hear what the other person is saying because we're too busy making them wrong, making ourselves right and working on what we're going to be saying next to shame them, blame them or somehow make them look bad so that we will look good. I share this because I think it happens to the best of us, to all of us, and because it's something I may think I'm pretty good at, but I'm not perfect and need to be reminded sometimes.

Now that Thanksgiving is here, I have mixed feelings about being at my mom's for dinner even though I don't have to spend the night or God forbid, the week, with her, it still feels obligatory rather than celebratory and that's where I'm stuck. I'd prefer the latter rather than the former to occupy my thoughts instead, but I'm struggling.

One of the issues came up this morning as I was talking to my mom. She was talking about my cousin's house burning down yesterday and how she lost everything. Her glasses, her clothes, her shoes, her "stuff" and unfortunately, her beloved cat. We are all thankful that she's okay and we all agree she's lucky to be alive. Of course I feel terrible that this has happened to her and I wouldn't wish such a horrible event like this on anyone, ever.

My aunt, my cousin's mom, dropped everything she had going on yesterday and rushed to her aid and took her shopping for a few things. Thankfully, the Red Cross had stepped in right away with temporary hotel vouchers and help with the necessities and even some cash but most of all comforting support. I appreciate the Red Cross for that and I'll keep them in mind when I think of charitable contributions.

While all of these events are tragic and hopeful at the same time, my mom, in an effort to get the story straight from the horse's mouth, called my cousin last night. She was staying in a nearby hotel. She asked her what her plans were for Thanksgiving and my cousin told my mom that she didn't have any plans and said that if she were invited to dinner with her family, she couldn't get there because her car is not working and then she threw in "I feel alone and unloved by my family. They ignore me when I call and they don't like me."

My mom's next move was to call another family member to shame her sister, my cousin's mom, and her siblings for not doing enough to help my cousin at this time and for not taking her into one of their homes last night. She had jumped to judgement of my aunt without ever talking to her about it, without considering the history my cousin has with her family, without any benefit of the doubt for not having all of the information. She didn't seek answers, she laid down the heavy gavel of judgement on my cousin's family based on a single conversation with my cousin.

When she called me this morning, I'm guessing to get my support for her position that my aunt and her family were heartless, here's what she got instead.

"Mom, your sister ran to her aid yesterday and stayed with her all day."

"Yes, but she didn't take her home with her. I couldn't have left you there to go stay in a hotel after such a traumatic event."

"Did you talk to your sister, is there a reason she left her to stay in the hotel? Does she need to be available to the fire investigators? Is there paperwork with the Red Cross to be done today? Is she staying with her boyfriend? If she did go to her mom's, she wouldn't have a car to go anywhere if she needed to and her mom's at work all day."

"I don't know but I think it's awful. She should have taken her home with her. I certainly hope she's going to pick her up for dinner on Thursday."

"Well, she's been invited every year to her family's Thanksgiving but she rarely shows up anymore. You know, just because she was involved in a terrible tragedy doesn't take away from the years of drug abuse, crazy behavior and drama she's dragged her family through and continues to drag them through. When she was arrested this summer her mom bailed her out. (My cousin abandoned her own daughter when she was only 12. Her daughter, now grown, won't speak to her most of the time and when they do, it ends up very ugly.) She continues to use, she refuses to rehab and she still makes bad decisions for herself including endangering her sibling's minor children by giving them drugs and alcohol. One of them, at age 14, ended up in the ER on Thanksgiving a few years ago with alcohol poisoning and she's the one who gave it to them. Her mom communicates with her every month because she still pays her expenses for her because she can't keep a job and when she does have her over, she behaves like a crazy person and won't leave. She only calls in the middle of the night and when she does it's incessant and panicked. She has diabetes but won't take medicine or modify her sugary diet, she's set herself up - she makes her choices everyday and she lives with the consequences. I feel sorry for her that she doesn't learn from it and choose differently. It's like she's not just addicted to drugs, but to drama as well."

"Still, it's heartbreaking. She should be with her family now. She says she's sorry for what she's done and that her family won't give her a second chance."

"Second chance? Really? What obligation does her family have to continue to be supportive when she continues to make poor choices for herself? Who gives a second chance to someone who's endangered your children? Why should her family care more about her than she cares for herself?"

"Well, if they don't invite her I will. She should be with family now."

"Mom, do you understand that she's playing you? That she's saying whatever she can to get what she wants? It's classic addict behavior. Did you ever stop to consider the source and that she rarely tells stories that are completely true?"

"She's expressing her feelings. She's hurt."

"I get it. She's said that all before - every time you talk to her.  I feel badly for her but that doesn't mean that I'm going to throw my good judgement out the window and invite her to stay with me so she can drive me crazy when she has a perfectly good hotel that's available to her. I'm sure her brother will drive her over and back for dinner if she wants to go on Thursday but since we're not sure what her family is willing to do because they haven't been asked, is it really fair to throw them under the bus to the rest of the family right now?"

And that's where I am - stuck in not wanting to get involved, upset about all of the circumstances and reminded of how impulsive my mom is at forming her opinions without complete information. She makes me feel like I'm being an asshole about my cousin. Maybe I am. My mom knows all of the background, she didn't forget - she just thinks differently about it. I'm trying to understand better and I kind of think it's endearing that she's so loving about my cousin, regardless. It's just that I don't see the logic or fairness in having those feelings for one and not the other family members. It's like she has different standards for each person.

It leads me to question what family values are for my mom, for my cousin, for myself and what, if any, entitlements come with being a family. I think my cousin's family is being very generous with her, given the circumstances, but maybe I'm not seeing something that my mom sees. Maybe I'm not understanding my mom's perspective because I'm so outraged at what I perceive to be flawed judgement, poor communication and dangerous vulnerability.

I hope I can get to "happy to be here with you" by Thursday.

I'll propose a toast "to Peace, Love and Understanding."

To have, or not to have...Reviews?

It's a question that has come up from time to time. I'm no expert in how anyone else should manage their business, to be sure. But I am an expert on examining what works and what doesn't for myself and weighing the benefits versus the risks before making any decisions that could be as impactful as having reviews of my personal activities.

There are risks and rewards to just about everything. Risk management is a consideration we all have to make in anything and everything we do. I'm looking for the best possible experience with the lowest possible risk. The end result I have in mind is to meet great people that I truly enjoy spending time with, without attracting a lot of public attention to myself. In developing my own approach and objective, it was the quality of the experience that had value to me. The foundation had to be discretion and respect for each others privacy, and there had to be a level of attraction, communication, compatibility, chemistry and skill for it to all come together. It's such a personal thing when two people get together.

First, I examined who reads reviews, who wrote them and where they would be seen. They are written by and for the hobbyist community in sites where there is advertising as well as message board activity along with a review system. I tried on a couple of these sites for myself for a while to see what was going on and to get a feel for the people who participate in them. I learned a lot in a short period of time. The unique benefit I found on these sites were the friendships and shared information between the girls. We shared safety information, touring advice, beauty secrets and business tips. Good information that I still use today.

In the case of reviews, however, there was a mixed bag of reasons why one should or shouldn't participate. I could see the obvious reasons the hobbyists preferred them, but I was interested in the provider's perspective. How well did reviews work for them? I was sorry to read story after horror story of bad experiences ranging from the very dangerous, to the untrue or incomplete and just plain made up. For what? What could the benefit possibly be? I could see two; an increased number of hobbyist clients, and possibly more money based on higher volume. At least that's what I think providers were hopeful for in setting themselves up for reviews. They felt that it was a marketing strategy for them to be more reputable with hobbyists and widen the marketing base for their advertising to a targeted audience that was looking for their services. For some I'm sure it works and may even work well, but having reviews was definitely a double edged sword, of sorts. First there was the documentation of an experience taking place that may or may not be used against both the provider and the hobbyist if law enforcement were to get a hold of it and secondly, unfortunately, providers didn't have any recourse against a reviewer writing damaging stories about them, true or untrue, or manipulating them for favorable or unfavorable reviews. There were plenty of cases where the review system was failing the providers and actually hurting their business and increasing their risks.

After carefully examining all of the information available to me, I concluded that having reviews didn't meet my objectives. It didn't seem to me that quality, on any level, was going to be assured by any review that someone else posted about their personal experience. Increasing the quality of clients or the quality of the experience, for either the provider or the hobbyist, just wasn't going to be gained from a review.

Personally, I was finding that the best experiences for me were taking place outside of the hobbyist community - with the friends I was meeting who had never heard of these sites and didn't have any interest in becoming involved with the community of providers and the gentlemen who see them. It turned out that there were plenty of people looking for services on non-review sites who were able to find me and I've been able to establish and maintain exactly what I want for myself. Choosing not to have reviews has worked for me and I completely understand that it absolutely has kept me from meeting the few hobbyists who insist upon them before deciding who to see. That's the risk I take and it's a risk I can live with.

Creating Happiness

Happiness: It's what everyone wants but too few are able to say they truly live happy lives. Are some of us just luckier than others? Most have an expectation that happiness is going to show up for them somehow, even a feeling of entitlement about it, but do they know how or where it's coming from? Or when it will arrive? Some have excuses they can point to for why it hasn't shown up yet, and they really believe it's not their fault. But where's the power in that? What if we took control of our own happiness and created it for ourselves with habits that produce results? Now that would be empowering!

I'm lucky to be one of the truly happy ones. (Well, most of the time - I'm not super-human!) How do I do it? Practice. Yeah, like I think I'm responsible for it. I'm not expecting someone or something to make me happy any more than I'm expecting someone or something to make me unhappy. I take responsibility for creating it for myself every day, over and over again. It's the only real, sustainable happiness there is. It's not always natural and it's not always easy. But is it worth it? Absofuckinglutely. Because I'm worth it.

Happiness is something that spills over into everything else in our lives. It affects how we do anything - and how we do everything. It reaches those we have contact with, those we love, those we work with, and those we live with. It feels good, looks good and it's contagious. Why wouldn't we want to be happy? And if we're going to be having an impact on those around us anyway (and we do!) shouldn't we be deliberate about it?

Figuring out what makes us happy is tricky. It's important to define what happiness is for each of us, and it's not the same for everyone because we're not all the same. "Don't believe everything you think" was sort of how I approached it. It was a real surprise that when I essentially took everything out of what I thought it should be or look like, it was like emptying out the overstuffed closet, then put it all back together the way I wanted it to be - the way I saw it without blindly accepting what I had been taught or told or expected, it looked very different. And it felt comfortable, like it belonged to me. I didn't want to keep someone else's idea of what happiness is without examining it thoroughly for myself.

I'm still "trying things on" everyday. Sometimes they work for me and sometimes they don't. It was this single exercise that gave me the biggest breakthrough in being happy consistently. I continue to question everything before accepting it as my own and I encourage everyone to try things on for themselves. You can always change it up.

I like to keep it simple. I once had a career coach who presented an exercise in gratitude that I've maintained ever since. It's one of two highly effective tools I have for creating my own happiness. She called it the "10/10" list. On one side of the paper I was to write down 10 things I'm most grateful for, on the other side, 10 things I want the universe to bring me. (I didn't have to have a clear understanding of how those things would show up. I was just letting the universe know they're on my radar.) She said the 10/10 list could change as often as I like, even daily. Since then I've found that the first column stays basically the same.

I'm thankful for:
1. my daughter, I'm proud of her and of my parenting
2. the dog, she reminds me everyday what happiness looks like
3. my home, it's perfect for me
4. my health, I feel great
5. music, it's like a drug - it transcends me
6. my attitude, I am confident and resourceful
7. companionship, love and support of people I admire
8. having everything I need and most of what I want
9. making a positive difference in the lives of others
10. my opportunities - I can do anything I want and I love learning

The other column, the one I want the universe to bring me, changes more often but always includes three things: "perfect clients" (nice people who appreciate my work), a place I want to visit, and something new I want to learn.  Sometimes it lists more immediate goals or needs, often times it's about what I want for other people but mostly it's a list of those things that bring me joy and satisfaction. Just the exercise of thinking about it and writing it is inspiring for me. Then I keep it handy, near my bed, and I look at it and re-read it from time to time. She instructed me to read it daily and sometimes I do. It makes such a difference!

One year I wrote that I wanted to become more globally aware. I subscribed to papers that covered world news, joined an organization called "The World Affairs Council" and started attending their speaker presentations, and basically kept myself open to finding interest in the rest of the world. It made for interesting conversations and some self-reflection. Of course not all of the news is "rosey" or inspiring - some of it is quite upsetting - but overall, as an experience, I'd rate it one of the best things I've ever done for myself. I didn't do it necessarily to find happiness, I did it for knowledge. And guess what? It makes me happy to be informed.

This year I'm cooking more and learning new recipes. It's not an earth-shattering new idea but it helps inspire me in my appreciation for my health and it makes me happy to be cooking such uncomplicated, delicious stuff that's good for me and good for my family. Maybe there's a cookbook in there somewhere, who knows...

The second thing I do is make a vision board. Visualizing it in my mind is what gives it momentum. I make one every year. It's a piece of black foam core poster board. On it I'll put up clippings that I've collected over the year in a file folder. Pages torn from magazines that represent a healthier lifestyle, quotes that inspire me (those are really powerful!), always some flowers because I love them and admiring the simple, beautiful things in life are precious to me, usually some goal oriented images whether they're stylish things to wear or home projects I want to tackle, destinations I want to travel to, and it all comes together into a beautiful, colorful collage that I keep in my dressing area at home. So when I'm getting ready everyday, I'm reminded of what makes me happy and the track I'm on to achieve whatever it is I'm after.

I've kept these boards over the years. They line the top shelf of my wall to wall closet. They're not just beautiful to look at, they're effective. I can point to each image and remember what it meant to me and how it became a reality, and I'm grateful and inspired all over again. It reminds me that I had a hand in all of the good stuff that showed up, and how lucky I am.

Religion and Politics: Disgraceful

Disgraceful adjective shameful, shocking, scandalous, mean, low, infamous, degrading, unworthy, ignominious, disreputable, contemptible, dishonourable, detestable, discreditable, blameworthy, opprobrious, without grace.

 

I've been observing the Tea Party and their campaigns, views and choices since before the presidential election in 2008. I keep looking for what I must be missing - the part that makes sense.

I completely understand the disapproval of the way things have typically been done in Washington, and the business of politics. I understand wanting to "shake things up" over there and get things done the way that Americans agree they should be done, but that's where I get stopped. This group doesn't seem to really represent what Americans agree should be done, not as a majority. The polls are pretty clear about this.

The Tea Party is consistently driving their personal agenda of swaddling most of their decisions and opinions in religion and making no apologies for it. There are many examples of this but the one that struck me last Thursday was when a handful of freshmen Congressmen - the one's that the Tea Party endorsed and helped get elected to office - stepped out of the debt ceiling negotiations to go into the chapel to pray for answers. They were leaving their voting decision to God. Really? Is that what they were elected to do - pray? Surely someone told them they were supposed to be paying attention to what's going on and representing their constituents, right?

So not only aren't they doing the job they were elected to do, but they are getting paid to sit in a chapel and pray and bring THEIR faith into OUR government process? That's disturbing to me. The entire Tea Party's influence is clearly disproportionate to the wishes of the majority of American people, yet there it is, and it's inhibiting all the good work that could be getting done by standing in the way and insisting on unreasonable demands shaped by narrow-minded religious views. Is that what God wants?

I'm not against religion. I'm not against faith. I believe everyone is entitled to the freedom to choose to believe in whatever they want to and to worship however they please, privately and keeping their practices legal. I don't have to agree with them but if that's what they want to do it's okay with me so long as they aren't imposing their beliefs on others. I'm against mixing religion and faith into our government in a way that doesn't serve everyone fairly and positively, or restricts personal rights and freedoms. I'm also against the big business of religion getting away with the tax loop holes that only religion can.

Religion, as a cornerstone of any elected officials' platform and it's influence on their decision making when it comes to government policies, seems to me to be inconsistent with the business of governing a country of people as diverse as ours, especially when it comes to faith. Morals and ethics are not exclusive practices to religion or the religious and they are not found in a chapel. They are available to everyone. Everyone who chooses to practice them.

I don't mean to single out just the Tea Party. Certainly poor choices are not exclusive to them. I find myself wondering; if the Tea Party, or anyone for that matter, is going to mix religion and politics, what's the benefit for everyone? Where do Tea Partier's morals and ethics really lie when those who believe so strongly in their faith and their religious institutions make such underwhelming contributions to the solutions in our country? And why is God allowed to grow richer at everyone's expense?

It's disgraceful.

Religion received 35% of all the charitable donations, or over $100 billion just last year, with an additional non-cash donations of another $18 billion+. http://www.nps.gov/partnerships/fundraising_individuals_statistics.htm  and it keeps going up, year after year.

Religious institutions hold large portfolios of property and assets which continue to grow but they pay no taxes on those. They generate revenue and earnings from the businesses they own and operate, some unrelated to their causes, those aren't taxed either.  http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,909200-2,00.html  

These are the numbers that are reported to the IRS. But religion is providing services for those in need, right? Well sort of, but it's services are not always available to any and all of the needy, like non-faith based charities, sometimes just their own and not nearly proportionate to it's revenue and value. Studies show that when it comes to providing charitable services, faith based organizations fall significantly short of secular charity and government funded services. http://yashwata.info/2010/07/16/charity2/

Oh, and unlike any other business, religion and faith-based charities depend largely on volunteers to keep their organizations running and profitable. That's right, so it isn't a taxpayer, it doesn't provide charitable services for everyone and it isn't a job creator.

So here's what does make sense to me: Taking the narrow-minded religious views that are not shared by the majority of voters out of our country's policy making and taxing religion just like any other business, because that's what religion is, BIG business. Then it would gracefully be contributing to good for all of us. And from what I've learned from religion, God would want it that way.

Modern Dating and the Measure of a Relationship

"What do you think of the modern, single man courting women today?" he asked me from his computer, where it was safe to communicate while his wife was in the other room.

I replied "He's lazy and selfish with unreasonable expectations.  That's the short story, but so are women."

I realize I'm about to generalize and paint a bleak picture, but stay with me for a minute and we'll get through to the other side.

As a single girl my whole life, it was apparent to me that most of the single men who are swimming around in the dating pool were deceptive and exhausting. They were there for a reason, I concluded. They were the rejects.  They're playing a game in order to look good in the eyes of their target long enough to make a connection... naked. They start all over again as soon as the afterglow has faded. New day, new target. Of course their object of desire must first meet their criteria; usually above average good looking, sexy, have her own money, car, place, love to cater to his fantasy and make him feel like "the most interesting man in the world." She should be a "good girl" in public and a "naughty girl" in private and she should be agreeable with all of his thoughts on whatever subject he chooses to have an opinion about. Her reward for her unique charm and delightful companionship will be an invitation into his bed! A return phone call or text will only occur if she played the part convincingly well and he is considering a second round where they can get together someplace convenient for him with no purchase required. (Of course she could invite him over and whip something up, just so long as he doesn't have to pay for it.) He says he just wants to keep it simple, uncomplicated...he's tired of the "scene". He's absolutely convinced he's the prize and she's the lucky winner.

And single women? Well, they have their own set of "rules" and list of non-negotiable standards by which all potential suitors must measure up including above average good looks, a level of wealth above their own, an impressive career, excellent manners, be very well groomed and smelling handsome, have unwavering patience, respect for her and everyone else (wait staff, her friends, her kids, her pets), be generous - offering to take her anywhere she wants to go, compliment her looks, her talents, her intelligence and find her so incredibly irresistible that he can't believe his extraordinary luck in finding her! She'll then let him take her out on several dates and only after spending an acceptable amount of money spoiling her and endless hours engaging her in fascinating conversations will she consider allowing him to worship her body. And he'd better be good at it...and then he'd better propose.

The ugly truth is that both of these awful examples are ridiculous, of course, but I know people just like that and they actually believe they will find "the one" and live happily ever after. In fact, they're so sure of it, they're completely appalled that they are being kept waiting because that's the way it's supposed to be - "Everyone has a soul mate so where's mine Goddammit, and why is he/she taking so f*cking long to show up? And no, I shouldn't have to compromise on what I want, I'm worth it!"

I'm still not sure where this sense of entitlement comes from. Did our parents teach us that we were so deserving? Did our previously unfortunate relationships shape our inability to see how imperfect we really are while holding others to such unreasonable standards? Did Oprah and the self-help love gurus convince us that we should seek potential partners armed with our lists and our rules?

I don't know where it came from - I don't care. All I know is that I don't believe anyone is entitled to anything. Ever. And when it comes to love and relationships, one is very lucky to find someone they are compatible with, find attractive and who will put up with them. There is no guarantee or sure formula for finding and capturing the heart of another. Just appreciate it when it happens, if it happens.

How do you know when it's true love? I think that the romantic relationship is best measured by the way the other person makes you feel - about yourself.  It isn't about looks, money, status, common interests, background, none of it.  All are less important than who you are when you are with them. The successful ones are those that have you being the best person you can be such that you surprise yourself, in a positive way.  It's about choosing your partner everyday, over and over again. It's about who you've become because the other person inspires and motivates you in a way that you grow into your best self and reciprocate by being the best partner to the one you love.  If two people can do that for each other, for a while or for a lifetime, that's a great relationship - and it's rare, not guaranteed.

As for marriages and commitments, the best relationships are those that are created by the two people in them; not by society, government, religion, history or culture. A marriage is a contract and it should be flexible and work for the two people in it, just like any other contract.  It shouldn't look the same for everyone.  We're not all alike.

Personally, I'm really not interested in dating single men. I much prefer the company of attached partners, and I know that doesn't sound right, but I do and here's why; they're gracious, they're romantic, they're always up for a good time, there are no strings attached and they come in small doses, over and over again. I don't want to keep them. I just want to enjoy our time together and then go back to our lives, separate from each other. That works for me. I'd rather be single and be happy than be in a relationship for the sake of being in one, that's for sure. And if I ever get lucky enough to meet someone that has me thinking it could be "true love", then I will embrace it.

And for those who are single, my best advice is this; embrace it. Totally wrap your head and your heart around it. Be the best single you can be. Enjoy the banquet and find your happiness in what you already have instead of wishing for something you don't. Because it's not about having what you want, it's about wanting what you have.