Can't Fight the Funk

When I'm having a rough day I say I'm in a "funk". That's when everything and nothing seems to bother me. I'm sad, I'm pissed off, I'm disappointed and frustrated. I'm feeling helpless and sorry for myself. I'm over-extended, under-appreciated, and unable to be who I know myself to be, who I want to be. I'm sorting through the crap. Going through the motions - caring and not caring at the same time. Looking at what I can fix, what can be left alone and where I can be effective. Bumping up against resistance alone and with the world. I'm "in it" as I write this.

I ask myself what I want and I'm not sure. It's stupid. I see people sleeping in their cars outside. I watch the news and am horrified at the difficulty others are surviving. I know things aren't that bad, my problems are completely manageable, which makes me feel worse for letting some of these things get in the way of me feeling my best. I know I'm okay - I'll always be okay.

What I want is to fix the parts that feel broken. I'm comfortable in my routine of being at ease, feeling balanced. Not like life is easy, but I've managed to build a pretty laid back, comfortable lifestyle for myself. I wouldn't trade my problems for anyone else's, this I know for sure. I do sometimes have this unrealistic expectation, though, that I should be able to find all of the answers all of the time and some days I struggle with where to even look.

I think about what the answers are and what they aren't. Like, is money what's standing in the way of some of this stuff? Certainly, but not everything. Do I just need a good cry? Perhaps. I try it on just in case.

I remind myself that some of this stuff is just out of my control and there's only changing my attitude about it.  The phrase "That which I resist, persists" comes to mind.  I try to shift to acceptance, like really letting go of whatever my expectations look like. It's not easy. I'm really tough - on everyone, especially myself.

Someone once asked me if I could stop doing something, what would it be? Like there's something that we all do that we'd like to stop, but can't. I was annoyed at the question, which is pretty telling in itself, but I gave it some thought anyway. I had a hard time putting my finger on it but I wished I could stop judging - everything all the time. It's impossible. We all do it. It's natural, but it can be adjusted when I catch myself. While I don't think it's possible to stop, I do wish I could do more of the catching and adjusting. I appreciate my ability to see things differently than my first thought. It's a process, an evolution. And sometimes I'm in a funk while I do it.

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I wrote this a few days ago. I'm on the other side now. It took me a day to get through it - all day. I struggled with whether to publish this piece as part of my blog or keep it to myself. It's feels so personal but also worth sharing. The writing helped me to see things that were swirling around in my head that I otherwise would have stayed stuck in, sorting through, over and over. I was fighting and resisting but not making any progress. The issue on this day, and recurring from time to time, is dealing with a loved one who suffers with depression.

When I was through, I was emotionally exhausted. Then a calm settled in, a detachment from the anger almost as if it had never been there in the first place. Looking back, there was no answer I couldn't find, no blame to lay - I was just stuck. It was in shifting my thinking, expanding my perception that helped me to see things differently than my first thought. That was my breakthrough.

25 Things You Didn't Know About Me

1.   I drink my coffee hot and black.

2.   I believe there is no such thing as "the one", there are many.

3.   Song most played on my iPod is David Bowie's "Man Who Sold The World"

4.   I never rarely wear underwear.

5.   My unusual celebrity crush is Phil Jackson, but I swoon for Kris Kristofferson.

6.   The adventure I'm most looking forward to is an African Safari.

7.   My first serious boyfriend was a long-haired, surfer, guitar player who drove a VW bus. He's still one of the coolest people I know.

8.   I like modern, abstract art.

9.   I don't eat sushi, but I do like fish.

10. If I had one wish it would be for an exceptional musical talent.

11. I indulge in luxurious, white sheets.

12. I say I'm a high school drop out, but I really just left early with good grades and a GED.

13. My biggest pet peeve is airport security.

14. My superpower is folding a fitted sheet.

15. I love tuna sandwiches and Cactus Cooler, not necessarily together.

16. My favorite city is London.

17. I celebrate "Birthday Month".

18. My first job was in a salon as a shampoo girl.

19. Palm Springs is my "happy place".

20. I'm a lousy bowler but a pretty good ping-pong player.

21. I think the Sunset Marquis Hotel is the best kept secret in L.A.

22. Words to live by: “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ― Maya Angelou

23. I make the best cheesecake you've ever tasted.

24. "Gomez" is my favorite pet name.

25. I can touch my nose with my tongue.

Ladies: References and Sharing Information

Hello Ladies, this one's for you... just a few of you. The rest of you know better.

Whenever I'm considering meeting someone new, sometimes the offer of a reference comes up. This is permission for me to contact someone else, another woman, and inquire about their experience with the person I'm thinking about seeing. I will write a simple note letting them know that a gentleman has given me their contact information for a reference. I'll say something like "Please let me know if you think _____ and I would be compatible. Any information you can share is always appreciated and of course confidential. I look forward to hearing your thoughts." I always appreciate their honesty. Sometimes they tell me things that have helped me to decide not to see someone.

I receive these kinds of notes from other women too and I always respond pointing out the positives like "he's great, a favorite - have fun!" Rarely I'll want to let them know about something I wished I had known beforehand because it would have been a factor in making my decision like; "he's perfectly safe and fun to be with but he was late a few times or didn't show up for our appointment once, or he's cancelled at the last minute before, sometimes he haggles over costs, he pushed my boundaries and I stayed firm - he was fine with it", etc. Sometimes it just a little thing like bad breath so they'll know to offer a toothbrush, mint or gum beforehand. I'll mention these things if that was my experience.

What I expect is that the information I've shared will stay between me and the other woman and not be shared with the gentleman. At least not specifically in a "she said... is that true?" sort of way. Not because the gentleman doesn't deserve to know or wouldn't benefit from knowing, but because I think there's always that guy out there who could be offended in some way and use this information against the woman who shared it. He could decide that it was out of line and wants to retaliate in some way. It could have detrimental consequences for her and that's not okay. I never know which guy that is or what's going to set him off so I always try to err on the side of caution - better safe than sorry.

I know these kinds of comments could get back to the person I wouldn't want to offend so I'm careful in how I phrase them. I weigh the risk against my reputation - with my established friends, potential new ones and with other women. I want them to feel comfortable using me as a reference and as a source of honest feedback. I realize that we all have our personal experiences that are not necessarily translated from one encounter to the next - that's not what I'm talking about here. So if there's information shared between me and another woman that he could potentially feel defensive about - use your better judgement and do not repeat it to him! Use the information for your benefit. Be clever in how you take advantage of the information. Do or say whatever you like around the subject, collect a deposit if you want to protect yourself from a late or no show and make sure he's familiar with your preferences. If you decide to go ahead and see him, you'll feel prepared for whatever might come up in your meeting. Maybe you can have some products available for him to freshen up beforehand, if necessary, but do not repeat to him what someone else has shared with you in confidence... and it's all shared in confidence.

Unfortunately, this has come up for me twice in just the past few weeks. It's not a lot and thankfully hasn't had any negative backlash for me but I worry about it. I worry that sometimes people let their impulses get ahead of their thinking. They get upset and want to "teach him a lesson..." or call him out on his bad behavior, letting him know that they're on to his tricks and won't be fooled. All fine and dandy... except he has resources and outlets for his upset too - in message boards, review sites, blogs, twitter, any grape vine out there. He can say whatever he wants, wherever he wants, true or not and "bam!" now she's the bad guy and she has a reputation problem. It's exactly what we're trying to stay away from.

So here's my request: How about you don't give him the information in the first place? It isn't worth it. You're probably not going to have the effect you're hoping for anyway. Don't fool yourself into thinking that you will. You're not going to teach him anything but you might just piss him off so keep the information to yourself and use it to your advantage. Be thankful for it. Start with the end result in mind and don't let your upset drive you down a path that you're not absolutely sure where it ends up. If you don't want to pursue a meeting with him, tell him you're busy - tell him you don't think you'll be compatible - both of which don't carry any negative backlash, but don't ever tell him it was something you heard from his references. He'll just stop using them so the information won't get shared in the future and that won't help any of us.

Play smart, be safe, and think before you act. Don't do anything that potentially puts someone else at risk.

And remember, when given the choice between being right or being kind, always choose to be kind and you will be always be right.

Logic and Bullshit

I recently started one of those low carb, high protein diets intended to reset my metabolism so that I would not just lose a little weight, but be able to maintain it. I thought things were going pretty well until I was informed by the doctor and nurse that in fact I wasn't losing fast enough. I was stalling too much. I made the recommended adjustments to my regimen and was back on track. Then I stalled again. New recommendations were made and I followed them. There was more progress but now I'm stalled again. I told them this time I had the unusual experience of feeling especially hormonal. "I'm crying at the drop of a hat the past few days, I hate everyone and everything. This isn't like me at all. I have a headache, I'm shaky and irritable." To which, when pressed, I got this response; "It's okay. It sounds like you probably have a lot of emotions that you haven't dealt with that are coming up for you. Just journal, read the materials again and know that this is hard. I think you'll find that you'll have some great insights if your ego will allow you to see them and if you stop trying to sabotage yourself."

I'm sorry, my ego? Stop sabotaging myself? What were they talking about? Their insight into what they thought was going on didn't make any sense to me at all. I wondered if I was on hormonal overload this week, or maybe there was some other physiological phenomenon going on here. "Definitely not physiological," I was told "it's just emotional stuff coming up. It's your ego trying to sabotage you." I looked for something that might fit into this to journal about. I couldn't find anything. The suggestion to "keep looking, just journal some more..." was becoming more and more infuriating. I told them I just wanted relief. I wasn't asking to cheat on the diet, I just didn't want to feel this way, it wasn't natural for me. Their response was just to ride it out and they didn't know how long it would last, likely until I addressed whatever deep seeded issues I had and there's no telling when I'll learn my lessons.

Bullshit. That's what I thought. I could hear a little voice in my head saying "Well that's ridiculous, I've never heard of such a thing." I realize I don't know everything and that I don't know what I don't know but this...this just felt wrong. I consider myself a pretty smart and resourceful person. Probably the most resourceful person I know. Let's see if there's anything to this theory of theirs. I'll just Google some key words and see what shows up. I Googled HCG and irritability, weight loss and diet and irritability and low carb and irritability. There were studies galore documenting this very issue conducted by reputable sources like MIT and the Mayo Clinic, and yes it was common and yes there is relief. Why couldn't they have shared this information with me? Why did they make something so simple into something hard? Between bouts of tears and feeling irrational rage at the most stupid triggers, I read for a couple of days about the physiological changes that were occurring in my body at this stage of the diet. It made perfect sense. I reported my findings to the doctor and his nurse. They said they will research this information and get back to me.

Research this information? This seems like pretty basic information to know as a professional diet doctor and nurse. Their credibility jumped from my "cautiously trusted advisors" to "quack" status - (snaps fingers) just like that. What is is about people in positions of authority that lets them think that it's not only okay for them to bullshit people, but that their brand of bullshit can defy logic? When they finally got back to me, days later, I was told that this information was outdated and that I could believe whatever I wanted, if that made me feel better but that they would respectfully agree to disagree. Wow. The information I sent was from 2008 but referenced a previous study from the 70's that it supported, but okay - they'd rather believe that I was emotionally disturbed than consider another logical probability. They were really steeped in this bullshit!

I'm naturally logical and drawn to information and learning. I'm not saying that we all don't have our "issues" and "lessons" to learn, we do. I'm saying that I think mine are pretty much on track at this point and my ego is right where I think it should be. I'm a work in progress, like everyone else, but I wasn't linking diet and self realization together they way they were in my case. I chuckled to myself that perhaps the ego that needed looking at here wasn't mine, but theirs.

It turns out the problem with these kinds of diets is that seratonin levels get interrupted and are easily put back into balance with the right supplements. There are temporary replacements for this deficiency that is no longer coming through in specific diets. Whew, what a relief! I tried a little tweeking of vitamins and minerals, some herbs and voila! I'm feeling much better. Like my old self again.

The regimen is short, just 40 days. I'll stick with it and at the rate I'm going, I'm happy with my results. I am reminded again by this experience that nobody knows me better than I know myself and that if it there's advice I'm considering that doesn't make sense or work for me, I should keep looking. I trust my instincts. Bullshit is everywhere. It's not always easy to find the truth but it's definitely worth looking for and when I find it, I just know. It "feels" right, bullshit feels wrong.

Music for Driving through the Desert

I don't like flying. I'm not afraid, I just find it to be inconvenient and unpleasant, so I drive when I can. I enjoy driving to Las Vegas, it's soothing for me and I enjoy the time spent in the car listening to music and daydreaming. I like being on my own schedule, packing whatever I like, using my electronics whenever I want, and on the way I stop at The Mad Greek in Baker for lunch, yummm.

I make a playlist. I like to think of it as a soundtrack for my trip. This is the one I made for the drive last week. I'm still enjoying it... loving the mixture of old with new.

Don't Sit Down 'Cause I've Moved Your Chair   Arctic Monkeys  

Heaven Beside You    Alice In Chains             

Show Me How To Live     Audioslave 
Blunderbuss    Jack White   

I know - I'm Losing You    Rod Stewart 

Every picture tells a story    Rod Stewart
Missing Pieces  Jack White    

Let's Spend the Night Together   Rolling Stones   

Every Picture Tells a Story        Rod Stewart   
Jealous Again    The Black Crowes         

Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground   The White Stripes   
My Only Love  Roxy Music   
Set Fire To The Rain  Adele   
Lucky       Kat Edmonson   
Rocks       Primal Scream   
19th Nervous Breakdown     Rolling Stones  
99 Problems     Hugo      
Wild Horses    The Sundays   
Hypocritical Kiss     Jack White  
This Head I Hold    Electric Guest   
Bright Lights    Gary Clark Jr.   
Rumour Has It     Adele    

Things Ain't Like They Used To Be      The Black Keys   
You Don't Know What Love Is (You Just Do As You're Told)    The White Stripes   
Jealous Guy     John Lennon    

Misty Mountain Hop      Led Zeppelin        

Pretty Noose     Soundgarden   
Dear Prudence       The Beatles   
Prophecy      Remy Zero   
burden in my hand        Soundgarden   
I Put A Spell On You    Bryan Ferry    

Yellow Ledbetter        Pearl Jam   
Hang On To Yourself      David Bowie   
Lonely Boy       The Black Keys    

Sunshower       Chris Cornell   
Gold On The Ceiling        The Black Keys   
Howlin' for You    The Black Keys   
I Can't Explain        David Bowie    

Son of a Preacher Man       Dusty Springfield    

Still Rainin'     Johnny Lang   
Radioactive      Kings Of Leon   
Strange Times    The Black Keys   
Could I've Been so Blind     The Black Crowes   
While My Guitar Gently Weeps       The Beatles 
Thorn In My Pride     The Black Crowes   
Under My Thumb       Rolling Stones   
Ain't That So       Roxy Music   
All the Young Dudes     Mott the Hoople   
Fans      Kings of Leon   
Tighten Up        The Black Keys   
Be Somebody       Kings Of Leon    

Ruby Tuesday        Rolling Stones  
Win        David Bowie   
Somebody Up There Likes Me        David Bowie   
The Man Who Sold The World        David Bowie  

Thankful

Last year at this time I was reminded of how judgmental we are of each other. It was a chaotic time and there was a lot of family drama going on. It brought me around to examining what family values are for myself and trying to understand what they are for others in my family.

This year I'm taking a step back. I'm paring down and keeping things simple by celebrating the holiday at home, with very few instead of the many. I love my big family and I'm thankful that we live close to each other and visit often. I've decided that I really don't have to spend this holiday with all of them like I have every year. Maybe next year I'll feel differently, but for now I'm thankful to unplug a little and spend this year without all the pressure and chaos that Thanksgiving with my family usually brings. I'm excited to cook the things we love, just the way we like them, and none of the things we don't. I'm glad that I won't be packing things up in the car trying to keep them hot or cold, protecting them from spilling, squishing or falling. I'm looking forward to relaxing with the dog instead of leaving her behind, catching up with Netflix and Tivo and cooking at a leisurely pace. I like the idea of staying in my PJ's all day if I want to, grazing throughout the day instead of loading up all at once. I am relieved not to have to worry about navigating through drunk drivers on the road or sitting in traffic, looking for someplace to make a pit stop because we've been in the car for too long. I'm grateful not to have to make obligatory small talk with the awkward, pretending there's a meaningful connection when I'm really shaking my head on the inside, looking for an escape. But mostly I'm counting on taking this time to recharge myself and reflect on all that is meaningful for me.

And as for the family values that I cherish the most; I value the freedom we all have to do whatever we want and the privilege of making the choices that make us happy.

I know my family and I will have a wonderful Thanksgiving, we always do, and that we will miss each other a little, it's okay. I'll look forward to seeing the pictures and hearing the stories and maybe, just maybe, we'll appreciate that we each created our own happiness and for that I'm thankful.

Jury Duty

I got a summons for jury duty in the mail. A lot of people get them and think "Awwww, sh*t! How can I get outta this?" My first reaction is "Oh, look - here's an opportunity to make a difference. I hope I can make room in my schedule."

Attitude is everything.

Each time I've served I've grumbled silently about having to be on such a strict schedule. Getting up early and driving to the courthouse just reminds me of the few times I've challenged a traffic violation and crossed my fingers that the officer who cited me wouldn't show up, but he did. I'm thinking about the depressing and dangerous, the abuse of power and corruption. There are a lot of unpleasant things going on in courthouses and the waiting around is exhausting and boring to be sure, but in the bigger scheme of things I think it's a privilege to serve, and to serve objectively, honestly and respectfully.

I've been selected and placed on juries. I've been the Foreman or the Alternate on occasion. It's a commitment to being an integral part of the justice system that has me feeling the serious weight of the responsibility and the absolute respect for the privilege to serve, not because the system is perfect, but because it's what we've got and it should work for most of the people most of the time. That makes being a part of it worthwhile.

I'm fascinated by the process. I'm fascinated by what is said, and what isn't said, what happens and what doesn't happen. There is so much going on and it's interesting to watch it all unfold.

I'm a people watcher and behavior observer. I do it because it's entertaining but really it's how I've learned to understand people. Observing people in a jury room is like the Olympics of people watching - a veritable goldmine! Every potential juror is a registered voter. That's it. That's how they were chosen, the reason they got a jury summons - they vote. Well, they can if they want to, and that's a whole other story...

Being surrounded by people who don't have anything else in common offers such diversity. Airports are good for this reason too. I imagine all sorts of things about people; where they're from, who they spend their time with, what they think, what they intended their style to say about them, if they have pets, what their bathroom looked like when they left the house that morning, who they're talking to on the phone, what kind of underwear they're wearing, does the carpet match the drapes? The possibilities for amusement are endless.

And I never know who I might meet. It can be fun to exchange a little conversation with someone I otherwise might not have an opportunity to meet. I know a couple that met in the jury room and fell in love. Now that would have been fun to watch come together!

Inside the courtroom I'm paying close attention to how everyone postures themselves, how they relate to each other, their tone of voice, and I'm weighing the information and following directions as instructed by the judge. I'm acutely aware of what and how much is at stake for those involved. I go through the process and am satisfied that I participated in something meaningful.

Sure, I'm still wondering where was the craziest place everyone ever had sex, but I'm not distracted by it.