Crazy, Sexy, Cool...

 

I have a friend that I enjoy following on social media because she makes me laugh, she's doing the shit that she thinks is cool and having a great time - floating in a river drinking a beer and canoodling her husband - girls trips to Palm Springs - vacationing with her 90-something grandmother who likes to sip tequila and wear party hats - catching her teenage boys doing the silly things teenage boys do - building things in the garage - always surrounded by people who love her and her beautiful family. I have a fond affection for her. We rarely get together but I know it will be great when we do, I'm looking forward to it. Her nickname is "Julie the Cruise Director" like from "Love Boat". She's crazy, sexy and cool in all the right ways, with a wicked sense of humor.

Today she slipped away. Gone, just like that.

When I opened up Facebook this morning, there it was - the note from another friend that said "Rest in peace Jill", and suddenly I couldn't breathe.

I re-read her blog this morning over and over, bawling my way through it, pausing to get the tissues. At 48 she began writing about her 2-year journey through colon cancer complete with diagrams and photographs, giving full personalities to her doctors, nurses and technicians from diagnosis through treatment and while the story is long, ugly and painful, she had great care and she kept me laughing and hopeful all the way through.

I remember a couple of years ago when I heard from a mutual friend that she was having some health issues and that she was wanting to keep it very private, she didn't want everyone to know. I immediately felt a sense of "no, not her, please not her". I reached out anyway to let her know I was thinking about her and wishing her the best. She thanked me and said she felt comforted knowing that so many people cared and said that she was "putting one foot in front of the other and smiling". She had come to terms with it. I haven't.

I have to remind myself to breathe...the sadness is immeasurable.

Infotainment

It's Fall, y'all. And you know what that means...


The kids are back in school, vacation is over and new television series' are on!

People ask "are you watching ______?" Whatever it is, I'm probably not watching it but I have started watching Viceland. Wow! You can click here and check it out Viceland - or watch online for free if you don't have cable.

It's a channel, not just a show or series, and it has me hooked. There are regular segments on intriguing issues like weed, the blackmarket, being gay around the world, food, wine and nature to name a few, but the difference is it's entertainment that's enlightening. It's perspective is youthful, modern and intelligent. I can feel something, learn something and find something incredibly powerful in just about everything I watch. It's real stories in the real world about real people and it offers real insight. It surprises me and entertains me at the same time - it's "infotainment".

Go ahead, check it out, all the cool kids are doing it. Maybe even call the number on your screen and leave them a message letting them know what you think. It will certainly give you something new and interesting to talk about over Thanksgiving dinner this year. And we all could use something new and interesting to talk about.

Setting the Bar

Some years ago I heard about an absurd, but intriguing, dating ritual called "Speed Dating" organized with the intention of introducing single adults to each other in the most bizarrely perfect way. It was musical chairs in 5-minute intervals. I dared myself to make a reservation for a session taking place in about 2 weeks near me. It was a stretch for me to try something like this on, but I wanted to be brave. It was on my calendar!

I had second thoughts, doubts, outrageously stressful moments leading up to the event.  It was all so unnerving. I was petrified about meeting 15 or more people all in one event. I wasn't the outgoing, extroverted, social butterfly that could walk into a room full of strangers and feel comfortable introducing myself and striking up random conversations. That's who I wished I could be. What if no one wanted to meet me? What if I froze and couldn't speak? What if I wasn't interesting enough, pretty enough, smart enough? I was self-conscious, nervous... and curious. What if?

I decided I would go by myself, opting not to bring the supportive friend to join me. I would be completely on my own in a singles scene for the first time. It felt like I was taking a stand for my independence in life, in finding love, and trusting myself.

Those weeks before the event when I was preoccupied with uneasiness,  I reminded myself there'd be booze and men so I wondered, how different could it be from the usual dating scene? Perhaps instead of talking to just one awkward guy, I might have an opportunity to talk to 15 of them! Just kidding... that's not really what I thought. I believed that there was someone out there for everyone, a soul mate, a forever partner, and I was hopeful - worried and anxious, but hopeful.

The closer the calendar inched toward the event, the more clear I became in creating a strategy for handling these feelings. I remembered reading somewhere that when you're nervous about a meeting with someone else, to shift your thinking to being aware of how nervous the other person might be about meeting you. In shifting your focus to making them feel more comfortable, you would be less able to focus on your own anxiety. It's a simple game of distraction. If you're thinking about one thing that is contrary to the other thing, then the other thing loses it's power. There just wouldn't be enough room to entertain both ideas simultaneously. It was about choosing one over the other.

Based on this philosophy, I imagined taking it a step further and examining who I really wanted to be when I sat across the table from each new person. I discovered that I believed that everyone, each and every person, was worth 5 minutes of my time. I wanted to be able to relax a little, be comfortable in my own skin so that I could be gracious, engaged and curious about each new person I'd be meeting for the first time. I let go of the notion that I should expect to meet someone to fall in love with and instead I wanted to fall in love with meeting people that I might not otherwise have an opportunity to meet. The deal I made with myself was to say "yes" to people I found interesting.

I arrived on time and checked in with the hostess who was smiling and encouraging. She explained the procedure and asked if I'd like to get myself a drink before getting started. The bar was two people deep and all but a few of the chairs were turned, like a gallery, facing the event about to commence. It was the optimal place to be for supportive friends and gawkers to watch the show unfold and lend encouragement to those approaching the bar with a subtle wave for the bartender signaling "another one, please" between shifts. I ordered a glass of wine and stood by waiting for my first table assignment.

Our instructions were to introduce ourselves, find something to talk about and start to get to know each other, ever so briefly, establishing first impressions about the person across from us and then presto! It was time to stand up while the partner stayed seated, and move to the next table to the left. We were to sit with that person for 5 minutes and do it all over again, and then again, and again. I tried on my new idea and each new meeting came and went pretty smoothly. There were score cards to write notations but before I'd get a chance to make any notes, it was already time to switch it up and move over to the left again. Next!

Some felt like our time together was cut short, for others it seemed just right and for a couple I honestly thought 5 minutes was waaaay too long. That was a little surprising for me - 5 minutes was definitely an exercise in serving time in an awkward situation but it was less painful knowing that it was almost over.

The gift in this experience wasn't in meeting Mr. Right, or even Mr. Right Now - it was that it changed how I meet people - forever. Being the person who is focusing on the comfort of others has calmed my nerves and helps me enjoy the wonder of it all, that our paths are crossing. My expectations aren't to immediately know how to assign anyone fitting into any particular role, I just enjoy letting things unfold, naturally.  I don't set an intention to meet someone for this or that, just to meet someone interesting, and that's all. And that's enough.

The pleasure is all mine...

So I write this blog... if we haven't yet met, it's a great starting point in getting to know me a little before meeting me in person. It's a collection of thoughts and stories about me and my experiences - a glimpse into my personality. I imagine it will give us some things to talk about when we're together. My expectation isn't that you'll read every page or that you'll share my views or agree with me, but that you'll find something interesting, inspiring or informative, something that connects us, and that even with our differences we will be able to come together and enjoy each others' company and conversation. I hope that you'll find it's been a nice dalliance of your time... and that the pleasure of meeting you will be all mine (wink!).

Have An Amazing Encounter...

Charm me with your wit, intelligence and humor.

Delight me with your companionship. 

Seduce me with your subtleness.

Indulge me as a your partner in desire.

Engage me as your confidant.

Surprise me with your thoughtfulness.

Timing is everything, advanced planning is best.

What's Sexy Now - Men's Fragrance

Just a hint, here or there...barely.

I know what I like when it sneaks up on me - it will ignite my imagination and instantly kick my attraction up to another level. A clean, just showered, genuinely fresh scent is always welcome, in fact it's where everything should always start. (Pssssst, while you're in there, don't forget to shave or trim down there too. Yes, seriously!)

Personally I prefer a whisper of something a little more complex, definitely masculine with a suggestion of elegance. It should set you apart as cool, interesting and sexy in an understated way - the best kind.

The cologne you choose should enhance your appeal, becoming part of your magnetism like your wit and charm. When you find one that captivates her, that has her noticing and snuggling a little closer, that's the one. It could even become your signature scent.

Since whatever you wear will be slightly different, unique for you once it's on, here are some suggestions that have highly favorable reviews with women. Try them and see what happens!

Ralph Lauren Red or Black Polo
John Varvatos Artisan
Giorgio Armani Acqua di Gio
Gucci Guilty
Issey Miyaki Sport
Dolce & Gabbana Pour Homme
Lacoste
Tommy Hilfiger
Versace Versus
Chanel Bleu

Happy seducing - wink!

I'm Gonna Soak Up The Sun

I'm heading out on a road trip this week, driving north from L.A. relaxing and making the drive at my leisure, enjoying the rugged coastal scenery, gazing at the sparkling ocean and stopping whenever and wherever I please; a roadside fruit stand, Hearst Castle, and some time on the beach popping open my beach chair, basking in the warm sun and taking a quick dip in the cool ocean. I'll perfect that beachy-wave in my mermaid hair, singing along to Lana del Rey's "West Coast" on my iPod and perhaps I'll meet someone new to sip a glass of wine with - I like the possibilities.

I'll be spending the weekend visiting with one of my favorite girlfriends in San Mateo that I've neglected for too long, and I'll venture into the City to meet some like-minded ladies for a "Strumpet Brunch" one afternoon. It will be fun to catch up and even better to soak up the sun and drive with no particular schedule or itinerary except that I will be happy cruising along, creating postcards in my mind, thankful for the time I took that one Summer to just enjoy the intoxicating journey.

Cheers!

“Sonder” – n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you, with elaborate connections to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.

Natural Order of Things

Having children is a a big part of one's lifestyle choice. It's really not for everyone, and for those who would like to, having a plan is important. Birth control is too important to keep out of reach. Everyone should have access. It's up to them if and how they want to use it. It shouldn't be a decision in the hands of anyone else. It should be our own, period.

  

I made a suggestion on Twitter that perhaps we should make birth control (oral contraceptives) an over the counter purchase, no prescription needed, taking it away from employers and insurance altogether. What if we were to shift the conversation over to individual freedom and personal responsibility - isn't that a great American value? It turns out there is support for this idea from Obstetricians and Gynocologists. Their findings are Here and here's the full report ACOG Recommendation. Even the FDA is in a favorable position. It would sort of be a win-win for everyone if we could keep the costs affordable.

Oh, and I just want to point out that birth control isn't just a women's issue. Pregnancy only occurs when women have sex with...wait for it... men. This conversation about it being a "women's" issue is funny to me. "It takes two to tango", as my mom always said and in this case one of them has to be a man.  And that, is a whole other conversation - ladies and gentlemen, choose wisely. That applies to birth control and to each other.

When I posted my thought, the immediate response I got was: "What about those who smoke and shouldn't use birth control? What about young people who make poor decisions?" Yes, I'm aware, we'll probably lose a few. I don't mean to sound callus or insensitive about it, but isn't that part of the natural order of things? Look, we allow them to buy guns, we allow them to purchase cigarettes and alcohol, we allow them access to pain relievers and cold medications, even give them an opportunity to run with scissors. We can't prevent every unfortunate accident or poor decision from the consequences that naturally occur. Should we punish those of us who do have critical thinking skills?

My point wasn't that we shouldn't warn or educate them. Of course we'll need to ensure that everyone is provided access to all of the information they could possibly want or need.  What if we just let people make informed decisions for themselves? I think it can be done and I think it can be done well.

The tobacco and alcohol industries have taken orders to educate the public, provide warnings and are regulated to curb the risks of their use and abuse. Other over the counter pharmaceuticals do the same. So can birth control. Let's not overestimate the risks at the expense of the benefits. Fortunately the studies show that the actual numbers don't support the fears. Unplanned pregnancies are a public health risk. The rate is at 50% currently, virtually unchanged for the past 20 years in the U.S. Access to birth control is part of the problem.

Providing birth control over the counter doesn't mean that we can't still have a conversation with our doctors and medical professionals about our options. It just means some forms likely won't be covered by insurance. Like anything else, there are advantages and disadvantages. 

I'm sure there will be some parents, educators, and others who will have a problem with giving young people this kind of information and I'm okay with that too. They're part of the problem now. We need to educate better. I'm completely aware that there will always be a few who inevitably make poor decisions for themselves regardless of what information or warnings are available to them. Do we really want them to become parents?

What's Sexy Now - Ties

There are a great many things that are inherently masculine that women find attractive. One of them is a man in a suit that can rock a beautiful tie. It's elegant, cool and sexy - not to mention versatile, wink! Who hasn't toyed with a little playfulness in the bedroom with a tie?

Tom Ford said "A tie can accentuate the natural V of a man's body, making a man look more masculine and in general more powerful." Yes it does. And that's just the half of it. I find myself noticing men with outstanding ties. Solid or patterned, silky or textured, artsy or reserved, ties are the mark of a man's individuality. Ties tell a story. It's an impression made deliberately. It's a nod to "details matter". A pocket square or bow tie works too. Yes, pocket squares and bow ties are cool right now. 

Where to find them? They're everywhere and the designers are all over the place in their individual styles. Barney's has a good selection, even on-line. The jewel tone solids in silk, the color blocked and stripes in fresh combinations, the strong but soft wool or knit, the whimsical and artistic patterns, all look sharp. They're like a piece of art. Carefully chosen, they can feel modern, stylish and confident - all very sexy adjectives that have me considering the wearer's personality. Oh, and absolutely size matters. You don't want to look like an extra in "American Hustle". Contemporary and slim, not wide or skinny.

Getting the shirt right is important. Crisp and formal, relaxed a bit, sporty-stylish, even a washed and worn chambray shirt - they're all great. Pair with a cardigan or leather jacket to mix things up, loose and easy. Avoid those Euro ones with the stiff oversize collars; there's nothing sexy about those.

Here are some tips from GQ that help narrow things down a bit when choosing a tie.

• If patterns and colors confuse you, don't sweat it. A solid dark tie with a white or light-color shirt is a can't-miss combo.
•  Match your ties to your suiting fabrics— cotton ties with cotton suits in summer, wool ties with wool suits in winter.
• It's official, bow ties are cool.
• "There are very few ties that would work as well on Cary Grant as they would on the Beatles, but the black silk knit does, because it's both dressy and casual. We consider it the go-to seasonless tie; it adds lift to whatever you're wearing, no matter who you are."—Lisa Cohen, GQ senior fashion editor 

 Go on - update your look, get their attention and bask in the afterglow.

Where would you like to go?

Whether traveling for business or pleasure, jet setting or road tripping - I wanted to share a couple of the best new things that have raised my travel experience to the next level on the chance that they're probably things you'll like too.

My new favorite thing is Uber - It's an app on my phone that I can use in major cities worldwide to have a professional, well mannered driver pick me up and drive me to my destination in a black town car, SUV or other vehicle for about the same price as a cab, sometimes less. Try it sometime at home or out of town when going out for an evening of cocktails with friends, or instead of parking at the airport for a few days. What's great is it's luxurious, convenient and eliminates the payment procedure in the car because I just register my credit card with the app and it directly charges my card at the time of service. I registered more than one card so there's a business and a personal account. When you order the service, the app already knows where you are - just add your destination and a quote will appear so you know exactly how much you'll be spending and what time the driver will arrive. The app will then send you the name, phone number and picture of the driver you can expect to arrive shortly, usually within a few minutes. They'll send you their ETA and a description of their vehicle too - genius! And the best part? No tipping. They won't accept them! I don't have to calculate, make change, or give any thought at all to the payment process. It's a complete door to door service that is completely perfect. Most drivers have bottled water, gum, mints, candy to offer during the ride too. Such a nice touch! I use it at home when I'd prefer not to drive myself (no drinking and driving, no long term airport parking), and when I'm in cities like New York and San Francisco where driving isn't practical.

My other new favorite thing is Airbnb - this is an app or web page that I use to rent personal residences when I travel. They're also worldwide and include some obscure, more unusual accommodations, if that's your thing - think treehouse in a forest, Airstream trailer glamping, being rocked to sleep on a sail boat - cool stuff! They're usually more competitively priced than local hotels and they run the gamut from very basic to high end luxury residences, from a shared space with the homeowner in a private room to the privacy of having the home all to yourself. I especially like using it when I go to Palm Springs so I can find a place with a pool all to myself and invite a few friends to join me. For about the same price as a luxury hotel, I can get a 3 bedroom home beautifully furnished with a private pool and all the amenities I'd want.

Recently I tried putting my own residence on the site just to see what would happen. I'm away a lot so I thought it could be a source of extra income without having to commit to a roommate situation. I also really enjoy playing host to guests in my home whether I'm there or not. There's just something about making others feel comfortable and pampered, anticipating their needs and wants, that's naturally fun for me and feels good. So it's been a few weeks and so far pretty great! I booked the dates I wanted and the payout is remarkable - a week's worth of bookings is equivalent to what I could have expected from a full time roommate for a month. I select the dates I want to offer and block the ones I don't. I set the price, the rules, the extra charges (for cleaning, extra guests, dogs, security deposit, payment options, cancellation policy, whatever). I can control everything. I can accept or deny any requests at my discretion. Airbnb's fees are paid by the renter in addition to the amount the homeowner charges and the site is helpful in having done the research already so they can recommend pricing based on other local listings and comparing amenities, size, etc. They also insure the homeowner up to $1M for damages, theft, etc. I like that!

There are several other sites like this one. Homeaway is another one I really like - similar concept.

So where would you like to go? Next time your traveling, or even if you are staying close to home and just want to feel like your on vacation, try one of these. And if you enjoy playing host to out of town guests, maybe try putting your extra room or home up as a destination and see what happens... you might meet some really cool people and help yourself to a little extra income while you're at it.

In a room full of porn stars...

I went to a film screening - a documentary on the adult film industry and some of the women who star in these films. It explores how they got there, why they stay and their thoughts on the industry and profession. It's a conversation with the film maker weaving their personal stories with strikingly wholesome, honest and naturally artful images. It was such a beautiful film, thought provoking, sensitive, surprising and soulful. I say "beautiful" because the film plays like an art piece - it's simply beautiful imagery to watch, frame after frame. The woman who made it is an art photographer, so it makes sense that this documentary is different in that way. It's currently in theaters, On Demand and on iTunes. Here's the trailer: "Aroused" Documentary - available On Demand and iTunes

I don't know any more about the adult film industry that the average person. I don't compare myself or my experience to theirs except that I think that we collectively have a distinctively different perspective about sex. I don't think it's uniform, in any way. That is, we're different from each other and together we are different than the rest of society.

I was there as a guest of a friend in my real life. I wanted to use my Lacey Stevens name as I was introduced but couldn't. It was a time I felt a little torn by my two worlds. It's happened before, but this time I wanted to connect with the other people there, as a woman, from a similar or shared experience of living our lives, our choices, in a culture that misunderstands so much about us, about our experience, and for that I was a little sad.

My hope is that someday I can let my two worlds blend together in a way that is safe, finding a way to be social and supportive without risking the negative blow-back for myself or someone else... not because I think there's anything wrong with the choices I've made, or because I think society should agree with my perspective, but because society has been largely misinformed with incomplete and inaccurate information. Hopefully, little by little, they will catch up with the help of films like this one.

You Can Never Be Overdressed or Overeducated

 

 

This is a list of books I've read, books that have taught me what I wanted to know, what I needed to know. I've included links to all of them below.

I've limited this list to only those books that were helpful; those that I would qualify as being an important influence. It's not a complete list of all of the books I've ever read. I've read plenty that didn't meet the criteria. They are not here. Only the best and the brightest. These are the books that inspired me in a positive, constructive, practical way and I'm thankful for the the contribution they've made. Some are obvious "self help" style, others are disguised as "purely entertaining" but all were surprisingly powerful.

When I went through my break up of a very long relationship, I was thoughtful and deliberate in the new direction I wanted to head into, to create the balance and happiness I felt was missing before. As part of my searching and "trying on" something different, I was learning and discovering - it was an education. I read books. I read a lot of books. I was looking for help in defining what happiness is for me. Not like what it is for anyone else, or what anyone else might want for me, but what worked for me. I was looking for results.

I was inspired to explore being a companion before I read books on the subject. It was, perhaps, a little unconventional by most standards, but it was right for me. The books I read and the experiences I've had, have been a huge part of my self discovery and positive growth. I am empowered by it. While it's not necessary to share the experience to learn something valuable, it may be surprising. Sometimes in the places you least suspect, you will find the greatest treasure.

I recommend all of these, to anyone, but especially to women, because you can never be over dressed or over educated.

1. #Girlboss - #Girlboss for outsiders (and insiders) seeking a unique path to success, even when that path is winding as all hell and lined with naysayers.
2. "The Ethical Slut - A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationship and Other Adventures" Amazon "The Ethical Slut"
3. Shad Helmstetter "What to Say When You Talk to Yourself" Amazon "What to Say When You Talk to Yourself"
4. Mitch Albom "Tuesdays With Morrie" Amazon "Tuesdays With Morrie"
5. James Frey "A Million Little Pieces" Amazon "A Million Little Pieces"
6. Catherine Hakim "Erotic Capital - The Power of Attraction in the Boardroom and the Bedroom" Amazon "Erotic Capital"
7. "Post Secret - Extraordinary Confessions from Ordinary Lives" Amazon "PostSecret"
8. Chelsea Handler "My Horizontal Life - A Collection of One Night Stands" Amazon "My Horizontal Life"
9. Constance Stellas "Sex Signs - Astrology Between the Sheets" Amazon "Sex Signs"
10. Veronica Monet "Sex Secrets of Escorts" Amazon "Sex Secrets of Escorts" 
11. Amanda Brooks "The Internet Escort's Handbook" I and II http://www.goldengirlpress.com 
12. Joan Kelly "The Pleasure's All Mine - Memoir of a Professional Submissive" Amazon "The Pleasure's All Mine"
13. Wayne Dyer "The Power of Intention - Learning to Co-create Your World Your Way" Amazon "The Power of Intention"
14. Napoleon Hill "Think and Grow Rich" "Think and Grow Rich"

 

Can't Fight the Funk

When I'm having a rough day I say I'm in a "funk". That's when everything and nothing seems to bother me. I'm sad, I'm pissed off, I'm disappointed and frustrated. I'm feeling helpless and sorry for myself. I'm over-extended, under-appreciated, and unable to be who I know myself to be, who I want to be. I'm sorting through the crap. Going through the motions - caring and not caring at the same time. Looking at what I can fix, what can be left alone and where I can be effective. Bumping up against resistance alone and with the world. I'm "in it" as I write this.

I ask myself what I want and I'm not sure. It's stupid. I see people sleeping in their cars outside. I watch the news and am horrified at the difficulty others are surviving. I know things aren't that bad, my problems are completely manageable, which makes me feel worse for letting some of these things get in the way of me feeling my best. I know I'm okay - I'll always be okay.

What I want is to fix the parts that feel broken. I'm comfortable in my routine of being at ease, feeling balanced. Not like life is easy, but I've managed to build a pretty laid back, comfortable lifestyle for myself. I wouldn't trade my problems for anyone else's, this I know for sure. I do sometimes have this unrealistic expectation, though, that I should be able to find all of the answers all of the time and some days I struggle with where to even look.

I think about what the answers are and what they aren't. Like, is money what's standing in the way of some of this stuff? Certainly, but not everything. Do I just need a good cry? Perhaps. I try it on just in case.

I remind myself that some of this stuff is just out of my control and there's only changing my attitude about it.  The phrase "That which I resist, persists" comes to mind.  I try to shift to acceptance, like really letting go of whatever my expectations look like. It's not easy. I'm really tough - on everyone, especially myself.

Someone once asked me if I could stop doing something, what would it be? Like there's something that we all do that we'd like to stop, but can't. I was annoyed at the question, which is pretty telling in itself, but I gave it some thought anyway. I had a hard time putting my finger on it but I wished I could stop judging - everything all the time. It's impossible. We all do it. It's natural, but it can be adjusted when I catch myself. While I don't think it's possible to stop, I do wish I could do more of the catching and adjusting. I appreciate my ability to see things differently than my first thought. It's a process, an evolution. And sometimes I'm in a funk while I do it.

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I wrote this a few days ago. I'm on the other side now. It took me a day to get through it - all day. I struggled with whether to publish this piece as part of my blog or keep it to myself. It's feels so personal but also worth sharing. The writing helped me to see things that were swirling around in my head that I otherwise would have stayed stuck in, sorting through, over and over. I was fighting and resisting but not making any progress. The issue on this day, and recurring from time to time, is dealing with a loved one who suffers with depression.

When I was through, I was emotionally exhausted. Then a calm settled in, a detachment from the anger almost as if it had never been there in the first place. Looking back, there was no answer I couldn't find, no blame to lay - I was just stuck. It was in shifting my thinking, expanding my perception that helped me to see things differently than my first thought. That was my breakthrough.

25 Things You Didn't Know About Me

1.   I drink my coffee hot and black.

2.   I believe there is no such thing as "the one", there are many.

3.   Song most played on my iPod is David Bowie's "Man Who Sold The World"

4.   I never rarely wear underwear.

5.   My unusual celebrity crush is Phil Jackson, but I swoon for Kris Kristofferson.

6.   The adventure I'm most looking forward to is an African Safari.

7.   My first serious boyfriend was a long-haired, surfer, guitar player who drove a VW bus. He's still one of the coolest people I know.

8.   I like modern, abstract art.

9.   I don't eat sushi, but I do like fish.

10. If I had one wish it would be for an exceptional musical talent.

11. I indulge in luxurious, white sheets.

12. I say I'm a high school drop out, but I really just left early with good grades and a GED.

13. My biggest pet peeve is airport security.

14. My superpower is folding a fitted sheet.

15. I love tuna sandwiches and Cactus Cooler, not necessarily together.

16. My favorite city is London.

17. I celebrate "Birthday Month".

18. My first job was in a salon as a shampoo girl.

19. Palm Springs is my "happy place".

20. I'm a lousy bowler but a pretty good ping-pong player.

21. I think the Sunset Marquis Hotel is the best kept secret in L.A.

22. Words to live by: “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ― Maya Angelou

23. I make the best cheesecake you've ever tasted.

24. "Gomez" is my favorite pet name.

25. I can touch my nose with my tongue.

Ladies: References and Sharing Information

Hello Ladies, this one's for you... just a few of you. The rest of you know better.

Whenever I'm considering meeting someone new, sometimes the offer of a reference comes up. This is permission for me to contact someone else, another woman, and inquire about their experience with the person I'm thinking about seeing. I will write a simple note letting them know that a gentleman has given me their contact information for a reference. I'll say something like "Please let me know if you think _____ and I would be compatible. Any information you can share is always appreciated and of course confidential. I look forward to hearing your thoughts." I always appreciate their honesty. Sometimes they tell me things that have helped me to decide not to see someone.

I receive these kinds of notes from other women too and I always respond pointing out the positives like "he's great, a favorite - have fun!" Rarely I'll want to let them know about something I wished I had known beforehand because it would have been a factor in making my decision like; "he's perfectly safe and fun to be with but he was late a few times or didn't show up for our appointment once, or he's cancelled at the last minute before, sometimes he haggles over costs, he pushed my boundaries and I stayed firm - he was fine with it", etc. Sometimes it just a little thing like bad breath so they'll know to offer a toothbrush, mint or gum beforehand. I'll mention these things if that was my experience.

What I expect is that the information I've shared will stay between me and the other woman and not be shared with the gentleman. At least not specifically in a "she said... is that true?" sort of way. Not because the gentleman doesn't deserve to know or wouldn't benefit from knowing, but because I think there's always that guy out there who could be offended in some way and use this information against the woman who shared it. He could decide that it was out of line and wants to retaliate in some way. It could have detrimental consequences for her and that's not okay. I never know which guy that is or what's going to set him off so I always try to err on the side of caution - better safe than sorry.

I know these kinds of comments could get back to the person I wouldn't want to offend so I'm careful in how I phrase them. I weigh the risk against my reputation - with my established friends, potential new ones and with other women. I want them to feel comfortable using me as a reference and as a source of honest feedback. I realize that we all have our personal experiences that are not necessarily translated from one encounter to the next - that's not what I'm talking about here. So if there's information shared between me and another woman that he could potentially feel defensive about - use your better judgement and do not repeat it to him! Use the information for your benefit. Be clever in how you take advantage of the information. Do or say whatever you like around the subject, collect a deposit if you want to protect yourself from a late or no show and make sure he's familiar with your preferences. If you decide to go ahead and see him, you'll feel prepared for whatever might come up in your meeting. Maybe you can have some products available for him to freshen up beforehand, if necessary, but do not repeat to him what someone else has shared with you in confidence... and it's all shared in confidence.

Unfortunately, this has come up for me twice in just the past few weeks. It's not a lot and thankfully hasn't had any negative backlash for me but I worry about it. I worry that sometimes people let their impulses get ahead of their thinking. They get upset and want to "teach him a lesson..." or call him out on his bad behavior, letting him know that they're on to his tricks and won't be fooled. All fine and dandy... except he has resources and outlets for his upset too - in message boards, review sites, blogs, twitter, any grape vine out there. He can say whatever he wants, wherever he wants, true or not and "bam!" now she's the bad guy and she has a reputation problem. It's exactly what we're trying to stay away from.

So here's my request: How about you don't give him the information in the first place? It isn't worth it. You're probably not going to have the effect you're hoping for anyway. Don't fool yourself into thinking that you will. You're not going to teach him anything but you might just piss him off so keep the information to yourself and use it to your advantage. Be thankful for it. Start with the end result in mind and don't let your upset drive you down a path that you're not absolutely sure where it ends up. If you don't want to pursue a meeting with him, tell him you're busy - tell him you don't think you'll be compatible - both of which don't carry any negative backlash, but don't ever tell him it was something you heard from his references. He'll just stop using them so the information won't get shared in the future and that won't help any of us.

Play smart, be safe, and think before you act. Don't do anything that potentially puts someone else at risk.

And remember, when given the choice between being right or being kind, always choose to be kind and you will be always be right.

Logic and Bullshit

I recently started one of those low carb, high protein diets intended to reset my metabolism so that I would not just lose a little weight, but be able to maintain it. I thought things were going pretty well until I was informed by the doctor and nurse that in fact I wasn't losing fast enough. I was stalling too much. I made the recommended adjustments to my regimen and was back on track. Then I stalled again. New recommendations were made and I followed them. There was more progress but now I'm stalled again. I told them this time I had the unusual experience of feeling especially hormonal. "I'm crying at the drop of a hat the past few days, I hate everyone and everything. This isn't like me at all. I have a headache, I'm shaky and irritable." To which, when pressed, I got this response; "It's okay. It sounds like you probably have a lot of emotions that you haven't dealt with that are coming up for you. Just journal, read the materials again and know that this is hard. I think you'll find that you'll have some great insights if your ego will allow you to see them and if you stop trying to sabotage yourself."

I'm sorry, my ego? Stop sabotaging myself? What were they talking about? Their insight into what they thought was going on didn't make any sense to me at all. I wondered if I was on hormonal overload this week, or maybe there was some other physiological phenomenon going on here. "Definitely not physiological," I was told "it's just emotional stuff coming up. It's your ego trying to sabotage you." I looked for something that might fit into this to journal about. I couldn't find anything. The suggestion to "keep looking, just journal some more..." was becoming more and more infuriating. I told them I just wanted relief. I wasn't asking to cheat on the diet, I just didn't want to feel this way, it wasn't natural for me. Their response was just to ride it out and they didn't know how long it would last, likely until I addressed whatever deep seeded issues I had and there's no telling when I'll learn my lessons.

Bullshit. That's what I thought. I could hear a little voice in my head saying "Well that's ridiculous, I've never heard of such a thing." I realize I don't know everything and that I don't know what I don't know but this...this just felt wrong. I consider myself a pretty smart and resourceful person. Probably the most resourceful person I know. Let's see if there's anything to this theory of theirs. I'll just Google some key words and see what shows up. I Googled HCG and irritability, weight loss and diet and irritability and low carb and irritability. There were studies galore documenting this very issue conducted by reputable sources like MIT and the Mayo Clinic, and yes it was common and yes there is relief. Why couldn't they have shared this information with me? Why did they make something so simple into something hard? Between bouts of tears and feeling irrational rage at the most stupid triggers, I read for a couple of days about the physiological changes that were occurring in my body at this stage of the diet. It made perfect sense. I reported my findings to the doctor and his nurse. They said they will research this information and get back to me.

Research this information? This seems like pretty basic information to know as a professional diet doctor and nurse. Their credibility jumped from my "cautiously trusted advisors" to "quack" status - (snaps fingers) just like that. What is is about people in positions of authority that lets them think that it's not only okay for them to bullshit people, but that their brand of bullshit can defy logic? When they finally got back to me, days later, I was told that this information was outdated and that I could believe whatever I wanted, if that made me feel better but that they would respectfully agree to disagree. Wow. The information I sent was from 2008 but referenced a previous study from the 70's that it supported, but okay - they'd rather believe that I was emotionally disturbed than consider another logical probability. They were really steeped in this bullshit!

I'm naturally logical and drawn to information and learning. I'm not saying that we all don't have our "issues" and "lessons" to learn, we do. I'm saying that I think mine are pretty much on track at this point and my ego is right where I think it should be. I'm a work in progress, like everyone else, but I wasn't linking diet and self realization together they way they were in my case. I chuckled to myself that perhaps the ego that needed looking at here wasn't mine, but theirs.

It turns out the problem with these kinds of diets is that seratonin levels get interrupted and are easily put back into balance with the right supplements. There are temporary replacements for this deficiency that is no longer coming through in specific diets. Whew, what a relief! I tried a little tweeking of vitamins and minerals, some herbs and voila! I'm feeling much better. Like my old self again.

The regimen is short, just 40 days. I'll stick with it and at the rate I'm going, I'm happy with my results. I am reminded again by this experience that nobody knows me better than I know myself and that if it there's advice I'm considering that doesn't make sense or work for me, I should keep looking. I trust my instincts. Bullshit is everywhere. It's not always easy to find the truth but it's definitely worth looking for and when I find it, I just know. It "feels" right, bullshit feels wrong.

Music for Driving through the Desert

I don't like flying. I'm not afraid, I just find it to be inconvenient and unpleasant, so I drive when I can. I enjoy driving to Las Vegas, it's soothing for me and I enjoy the time spent in the car listening to music and daydreaming. I like being on my own schedule, packing whatever I like, using my electronics whenever I want, and on the way I stop at The Mad Greek in Baker for lunch, yummm.

I make a playlist. I like to think of it as a soundtrack for my trip. This is the one I made for the drive last week. I'm still enjoying it... loving the mixture of old with new.

Don't Sit Down 'Cause I've Moved Your Chair   Arctic Monkeys  

Heaven Beside You    Alice In Chains             

Show Me How To Live     Audioslave 
Blunderbuss    Jack White   

I know - I'm Losing You    Rod Stewart 

Every picture tells a story    Rod Stewart
Missing Pieces  Jack White    

Let's Spend the Night Together   Rolling Stones   

Every Picture Tells a Story        Rod Stewart   
Jealous Again    The Black Crowes         

Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground   The White Stripes   
My Only Love  Roxy Music   
Set Fire To The Rain  Adele   
Lucky       Kat Edmonson   
Rocks       Primal Scream   
19th Nervous Breakdown     Rolling Stones  
99 Problems     Hugo      
Wild Horses    The Sundays   
Hypocritical Kiss     Jack White  
This Head I Hold    Electric Guest   
Bright Lights    Gary Clark Jr.   
Rumour Has It     Adele    

Things Ain't Like They Used To Be      The Black Keys   
You Don't Know What Love Is (You Just Do As You're Told)    The White Stripes   
Jealous Guy     John Lennon    

Misty Mountain Hop      Led Zeppelin        

Pretty Noose     Soundgarden   
Dear Prudence       The Beatles   
Prophecy      Remy Zero   
burden in my hand        Soundgarden   
I Put A Spell On You    Bryan Ferry    

Yellow Ledbetter        Pearl Jam   
Hang On To Yourself      David Bowie   
Lonely Boy       The Black Keys    

Sunshower       Chris Cornell   
Gold On The Ceiling        The Black Keys   
Howlin' for You    The Black Keys   
I Can't Explain        David Bowie    

Son of a Preacher Man       Dusty Springfield    

Still Rainin'     Johnny Lang   
Radioactive      Kings Of Leon   
Strange Times    The Black Keys   
Could I've Been so Blind     The Black Crowes   
While My Guitar Gently Weeps       The Beatles 
Thorn In My Pride     The Black Crowes   
Under My Thumb       Rolling Stones   
Ain't That So       Roxy Music   
All the Young Dudes     Mott the Hoople   
Fans      Kings of Leon   
Tighten Up        The Black Keys   
Be Somebody       Kings Of Leon    

Ruby Tuesday        Rolling Stones  
Win        David Bowie   
Somebody Up There Likes Me        David Bowie   
The Man Who Sold The World        David Bowie  

Thankful

Last year at this time I was reminded of how judgmental we are of each other. It was a chaotic time and there was a lot of family drama going on. It brought me around to examining what family values are for myself and trying to understand what they are for others in my family.

This year I'm taking a step back. I'm paring down and keeping things simple by celebrating the holiday at home, with very few instead of the many. I love my big family and I'm thankful that we live close to each other and visit often. I've decided that I really don't have to spend this holiday with all of them like I have every year. Maybe next year I'll feel differently, but for now I'm thankful to unplug a little and spend this year without all the pressure and chaos that Thanksgiving with my family usually brings. I'm excited to cook the things we love, just the way we like them, and none of the things we don't. I'm glad that I won't be packing things up in the car trying to keep them hot or cold, protecting them from spilling, squishing or falling. I'm looking forward to relaxing with the dog instead of leaving her behind, catching up with Netflix and Tivo and cooking at a leisurely pace. I like the idea of staying in my PJ's all day if I want to, grazing throughout the day instead of loading up all at once. I am relieved not to have to worry about navigating through drunk drivers on the road or sitting in traffic, looking for someplace to make a pit stop because we've been in the car for too long. I'm grateful not to have to make obligatory small talk with the awkward, pretending there's a meaningful connection when I'm really shaking my head on the inside, looking for an escape. But mostly I'm counting on taking this time to recharge myself and reflect on all that is meaningful for me.

And as for the family values that I cherish the most; I value the freedom we all have to do whatever we want and the privilege of making the choices that make us happy.

I know my family and I will have a wonderful Thanksgiving, we always do, and that we will miss each other a little, it's okay. I'll look forward to seeing the pictures and hearing the stories and maybe, just maybe, we'll appreciate that we each created our own happiness and for that I'm thankful.

Jury Duty

I got a summons for jury duty in the mail. A lot of people get them and think "Awwww, sh*t! How can I get outta this?" My first reaction is "Oh, look - here's an opportunity to make a difference. I hope I can make room in my schedule."

Attitude is everything.

Each time I've served I've grumbled silently about having to be on such a strict schedule. Getting up early and driving to the courthouse just reminds me of the few times I've challenged a traffic violation and crossed my fingers that the officer who cited me wouldn't show up, but he did. I'm thinking about the depressing and dangerous, the abuse of power and corruption. There are a lot of unpleasant things going on in courthouses and the waiting around is exhausting and boring to be sure, but in the bigger scheme of things I think it's a privilege to serve, and to serve objectively, honestly and respectfully.

I've been selected and placed on juries. I've been the Foreman or the Alternate on occasion. It's a commitment to being an integral part of the justice system that has me feeling the serious weight of the responsibility and the absolute respect for the privilege to serve, not because the system is perfect, but because it's what we've got and it should work for most of the people most of the time. That makes being a part of it worthwhile.

I'm fascinated by the process. I'm fascinated by what is said, and what isn't said, what happens and what doesn't happen. There is so much going on and it's interesting to watch it all unfold.

I'm a people watcher and behavior observer. I do it because it's entertaining but really it's how I've learned to understand people. Observing people in a jury room is like the Olympics of people watching - a veritable goldmine! Every potential juror is a registered voter. That's it. That's how they were chosen, the reason they got a jury summons - they vote. Well, they can if they want to, and that's a whole other story...

Being surrounded by people who don't have anything else in common offers such diversity. Airports are good for this reason too. I imagine all sorts of things about people; where they're from, who they spend their time with, what they think, what they intended their style to say about them, if they have pets, what their bathroom looked like when they left the house that morning, who they're talking to on the phone, what kind of underwear they're wearing, does the carpet match the drapes? The possibilities for amusement are endless.

And I never know who I might meet. It can be fun to exchange a little conversation with someone I otherwise might not have an opportunity to meet. I know a couple that met in the jury room and fell in love. Now that would have been fun to watch come together!

Inside the courtroom I'm paying close attention to how everyone postures themselves, how they relate to each other, their tone of voice, and I'm weighing the information and following directions as instructed by the judge. I'm acutely aware of what and how much is at stake for those involved. I go through the process and am satisfied that I participated in something meaningful.

Sure, I'm still wondering where was the craziest place everyone ever had sex, but I'm not distracted by it.